31 DEC, MON, 8:47AM

I think I have done a big mistake. Why am I feeling so hot-tempered lately. I feel so sorry for my mother and my sister BUT, can it be helped..? I am tired, sorry and regret for what I have said to them.

GOD, can you please mend the relationship for me? I am falling..

30 DEC, SUN, 7:57AM

Dud!!!! Why everything seems so hindered.. What would this day be I wonder ah...!!

And you mind so much as well. I guess I will have to do some compensation to you. OK.

29 DEC, SAT, 7:15PM

*sigh*

My sister is staying inside the washroom I can't even get a decent bath.. So here am I taking this few minutes to write something, talk about today.

Oh she is out! Ha.. I will continue perhaps later tonight.

*back*

Went to one of my guru's house to fix a computer problem(the printer wasn't not working). Hmm.. Not really a problem ha.. But I did have some fun there. I played the piano and it was fun heh..

Somehow I am feeling a bit drowsy and tiredness is striking me. Thinking back.. Yea I got it, I drove for the whole day.. Oh mind I even lingered about what happened today. And another thing is I got my auction winning today- a binocular oh yes! Ha.. Its not really a very good thing for its just RM33 lol you can't expect something good ah well..

And lastly about my feeling today. I didn't feel down today just tired. I guess I have already had a conclusion in me. I will search for what I am looking for still. What is that? Ha.. Its.. just something!! Clue: SS-liked

Good night!

27 DEC, THU, 12:00AM

Yes the clock strikes 00:00 ha.. Yahoo~

Just now went for badminton and it was fun and enjoying. Its good to have some exercise before going to sleep because you fall asleep faster. It's still hard for me to encounter certain things.. Well I have no idea what would happen next, just that, well I will pass it to GOD, while I do my best.

Talking about myself, I feel that I have grown recently. Many things had happened and they eventually gave me signs to live my life. Ha.. it just happened all of a sudden. Apparently people could grow so drastically!

Anyway, I still haven't ignored the fact that I hate my life BUT, at least I could make something out of it. My pathetic life should be able to be overcome, I guess.. And love, ha.. I started to know YOU more now and YOUR meaning. It doesn't really have to be a bi-directional feeling but sometimes, it is just great to be able to love people.. sometimes its funny.. sometimes it sweet and most of the time, it is _______.(I will look for this word ha..)

Good night.

p.s. I got the word..

..And love, ha.. I started to know YOU more now and YOUR meaning. It doesn't really have to be a bi-directional feeling but sometimes, it is just great to be able to love people.. sometimes its funny.. sometimes it sweet and most of the time, it is a BLESSING..

25 DEC, TUE, 11:52PM

"Sometimes it all still feels like a mass of dots.
But, more and more these days, I feel like we’re all connected..
And its beautiful, and funny, and good.."

"..I want you to know that, wherever we find ourselves in this world, whatever our successes or failures, come this time of year, you will always have a place at my table. And a place in my heart. "

I am so touched after watching the movie. Sometimes, I think movies are great.. because they give us the courage, for the same experience, narrated in them. I love movies.. that's why. Perhaps I can find my way? Who knows.. cos nobody will ever know..

Ha.. I love this movie:) It's so warm.

25 DEC, TUE, 10:48PM

Again Christmas day ha.. Well the post earlier was the beginning of the X'mas and now is the ending. A Chinese saying goes, 'if there is a beginning, there is an ending.'

Just got back from a local shopping mall. Nothing to be looked forward but I did meet with a family there. We had a small chat. One thing I am just curious, the son used to be close with me but now no more again.. I couldn't figure out why.

*sigh*

So many things troubling my mind. My mind is in a state of hurricane. I can't really catch a static thing inside. Everything just keeps on changing. I hate living on earth. I grab hold of nothing, NOTHING!

X'mas.. Its as expected, nothing I anticipated happened. That's all expected. How could that be! I am so greedy.. haha.

25 DEC, TUE, 1:07AM

YEA its Christmas!! I love X'mas ever since I was a little kid. I love the Christmas tree especially. Those glittering ornaments and the "snow" stained on it will just take me to another fantasy. Yea I am always living in fantasy ha.. but what can be helped?

Anyway I love X'mas! I adore Santa and I wish I could one day get a present from the real Santa. I am not asking for expensive thing, I just want warmth ha.. Warmth is all I want.

This year X'mas I am celebrating in Miri. But I don't see there is a chance for a meaningful and memorial X'mas. It doesn't matter.. As long as I have the heart for you then its fine, B. Take care and have a good night sleep.

...the angels sing..
...Christmas day

Jingle bell jingle bell..
oh whats fun..

23 DEC, SUN, 11:37AM

2 days to the X'mas day. I am lonely for the 24th year of X'mas. I wonder would I have my whole life being alone?

Everyday thinking of the same problem, thinking the same person, encountering the same situation, leading the same routine and.. having the same feeling. I can barely stand the feeling anymore.

Why couldn't I cry for once? Perhaps with a loud cry I could release the pain and heart-breaking sensation in me. I met with 2 friends yesterday when I went for the movie. One is a secondary's classmate Goh and the other is my Form 6 buddy Wong. I noticed, that the older I get, the more hypocritic I have become. I am not myself I used to be anymore. I have changed so much, due to life changes, the environment, the people and the experience. I thought I was a wise person, a person who has great wisdom BUT in fact! I am just an idiot.

I am being alone is the room. For how many nights I have dreamed to have a partner beside me. Don't think those dirties, its a life-time partner I am talking about. The older people get, the more afraid they will get. They will start to find for a partner (if not lover). I really hate to mention about "lover"!

It is ironic, but I need people to love.

22 DEC, SAT, 12:08AM

Its a very early morning. 12:08 in the morning. Its all silent outside except for some of the later-sleepers driving the car boastfully on the road. Its annoying to have them around.

Its drizzling now as well. The tickling of the rain hitting the zinc, and the droppings on the pail making a drum-like sound running out of tempo, and the sizzling of the leaves give a pleasure and relief sensation for the soul. Water in the drain could be heard to be flowing smoothly. Its a wonderful night. I love rainy night.

While in contrary, my thoughts are all jumbled up. I couldn't determine which is the truth and which is the false statement. Ah.. how come my life is so complicated. Why to me? Sometimes I really wanna ignore the existence of GOD but in the end, I am looking for HIM. Should I be granted a shorter and easier life, I am willing. Well, for goodness sake of course.

20 DEC, THU, 11:17PM

A day before the flood.

It is said to be a flood tomorrow. The sea level will rise above the normal level but yet nobody knows what actually it will be like tomorrow. I have having a feeling of anticipation.

Days ago I applied for the English teacher post in Japan. I was still considering whether to go but yea, I think I will go if I am offered. I have forgotten a very important point in my life. When I was doing facial just now it just stroke me all of a sudden.

Ah well, its not bad as well.

Life is really full of decision-making. A hour before I am thinking whether to mop the whole house, then later I thought whether to send the message and after that I was not sure if I want to do facial. From the moment we wake in the morning till our bedtime, we actually create more than 10000 of thoughts, big and small, serious or mere. And among this 10000, 90% are of negative. What I wanna tell is, normal people are like this, and sadly, I am among the 9000.

Too much to be anticipated then there will be more to be disappointed ha... Haha childish and naive guy.

I really would like to know what a person you are. It's just troubling me. Ah forget about it and have a good night sleep:(

19 DEC, WED, 9:28AM

I couldn't even remember how many times already that I am given false hope. Its not given but assumed by me. I am really a stupid and silly and naive person.

Typing unconsciously on the keyboard of my laptop, thinking and staring blindly to it. What can I do to overcome the problem..?

The weather is cold today. Though the air-cond is not put on but I am feeling the chill throughout my body. Perhaps this is the sensation of a hopeless, right now.

I talked to a friend about destiny. Then why couldn't I just take and overcome it since I can teach people? It's just cowardly behavior.


Myspace Chistmas Graphics

18 DEC, TUE, 6:39PM

I have been thinking of leaving my town for a very long time. For a moment, I realise I am a selfish and timid man. But what can I do?

There are things that are just not up to us to decide.

"unmei"

In fact, I am actually afraid to leave because I fear once I leave, I might not come back anymore.

For all those time you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
..

-Celine Dion-

16 DEC, SUN, 10:40PM

I really hope.. I could cry out loud. Or at least my tears would drop but its hard; as it is hard to endure things in life.

The more I read the more I feel helpless. Things are just not fair for me. Is there anyone to be complained? NO! Definitely no one.

People ask why do I always live in fantasy. Childish thinking. Naive. But do they know there is a solid reason behind it? While I still couldn't face the life how could I not fleeing from it. Its saddening to tell and now that my heart really hurts. Would anybody know about that? The ache is like a rock place on the chest. You can't utter the words, you can't sing it out, you can't tell anyone. YOU CAN JUST ENDURE by YOURSELF. Its definitely not a imaginable sensation.

My life.. Ha.. I can't even cry the tears just wouldn't come out. I am so tired.

I don't wish to fall but I have no choice.

14 DEC, FRI, 9:55AM

Its odd that I would write in the morning but since I am being left out at home, well lets start off what I am gonna talk about today.

Beautiful day it is. I can hear the twitting of the birds in my room. I am eventually get used to this phenomenon and totally forgotten about the days in Serdang during my studies there. Back to those days, there was nothing to be heard, nothing to be seen. No greeneries no blue sky and no dark sky during night as well. The difference makes you think differently.

I don't know what my life has turned out to be. I hope everything is fine. I am not a greedy man. I just hope for some wealth, healthy body and a moderate relationship. I guess that's not too much right?

12 DEC, WED, 10:50PM

I couldn't believe I was in Penang yesterday.

There are times when I'd feel the ticks of the clock are so slow while sometimes I just couldn't accept the fact that time sprints.

A duration of 3 months is like a round of roller coaster- The last time I saw my brother was 3 months ago. And also 2 and a half months is the period I got to know around 100++ of my pupils back in school. And yesterday I just parted my brother for another time. I miss him dearly actually. I think I might cry out if I keep on thinking about him. He, undoubtedly, is my most beloved one, the closest person in my life and irreplaceable.

B, I have thousands of sentence to tell you but I couldn't. Fate has its own role in every person's life. Mine is definitely not a blessed one. How about yours? I wish I am a bird.. I wish I could sleep forever everynight.

Nic, if your reading this I will let you know, I think of ending my life everyday like you do. Just that I consider more than you do as well. That's why I am still alive.

I am very sad to know that someday I might just leave everyone behind ha.. God Bless Me, if YOU are really out there.

Mom and dad and my sisters and brother, I love you more than any of you love towards each other. With this I shall have to strength to keep on standing on this stage, shake off the burden the feelings and pressure, head's up and continue to walk down this snarl road. I know it is.

11 DEC, TUE, 11:32PM

Just came back from Shirley's wedding in Penang. The flights number were AK6315 and AK5259.

But anyhow it was an interesting journey from KL to Miri! Since there was a turbulence during the journey, it made the journey not boring as I was so afraid but acted normal while reading Reader's Digest lol.

I know clearly that actually I have phobia towards air-travel. I dunno. The older I get the more things I am afraid of. Firstly crocroach, then big bugs, then air-travel, height, violence!! and some others. What have I become really.. Mine!!!

The wedding there was smooth and now I know how tired it is to wed. The pre-ceremony, midst-ceremony and post-ceremony. You have to entertain the wife's/husband's family, you have to serve the guests, you have lots of traditional procedures to follow. You have to get up early and stay up late. Ha.. It's funny that marriage is made so complicated these days.

And now I have returned. I should find a job to do soon. I need money I need to colour my life while I still can. I want to go travel like mad. I wanna go to Japan and Phuket (new destination just read from a mag about how wonderful the place is). Ha.. I need to love myself more because eventually I might be all alone. A friend told me that I have to treat myself the best. I am tired and restless and upset when thinking how would I become one day.

Forget about what's bad. Lets call it a day.

8 DEC, SAT, 3:37PM

I am departing for KL tonight and to Penang tomorrow morning. Its for my sister's wedding ceremony in Penang.

Lately I am being troubled by everybody about when to get married.. Is that a thing you all should concern about? I thought it's up to my business. I 'd rather not go to the Geomancy session. Now everybody keeps mentioning about "when to get a gf" "You need me to help you get a gf" etc and! etc...

I am too tired to think of this matter. And I think its still far for me to discuss about it. When time comes, it will come, though I don't think it'll come *sigh*

Just another SIEN day. What do I really want in life?? Why am I getting so pointless and lost!

6 DEC, THU, 10:24PM

I am being very foolish lol

OK I got the point right now. I hope I won't think the same way again.

GOD, please don't fool me again.

2 DEC, SUN, 11:54PM

Today is Shirley's wedding day. I am so happy for her.

Today on her wedding day, I was the MC, I was the singer, I was the photographer and I was the attendant. It was a tiring day but it worth to be.

Shirley, my big sis, do stay happy forever and ever.

1, DEC, 5:04PM

Ima no shiawase no kanji wa minna no shiawase no kanji desu ka? Onaji desu ka?

Saa..

Tonikaku, watashi ga ganbarimasu.

28 NOV, WED, 6:00PM

It's Wednesday apparently. Why Wednesdays seem so special in my life. I also have no idea.. A sense of familiarity towards the 4th day of a week.

Today went for an interview in a local University. Erm.. I thought I would be nervous (well I was nervous before it was my turn) but it turned out to be fine. I think I have gotten good in dealing with strangers already. Things didn't turn out to be what I thought it would be because the MAJOR reason, the position they are offering me is not what I applied so weird man.. I dunno what to say I just kept on with the interview.

There were 4 persons: From the right Kelvin, Samuel, Alex and Jessy. And Samuel turned out to be so funny and friendly. If I were to have such supervisor I would be so glad (I hope he wasn't a hypocrite anyway ha..). And Jessy was quiet while Kelvin's questions were hard oh dear.. Alex is the head of this interview session. He was friendly and approachable. Now I know, to be a successful person you gotta have good interpersonal skills. No doubt about this really.

Tonight there is a movie 1408 at 2115. Yummy!! I love horror movie ha.. Hope it doesn't disappoint me. Tonight's gathering I am the organizer. I hate to be one actually, but I have no choice... Hai.. Hope everybody can enjoy tonight's gathering anyway.

Mata

25 NOV, SUN, 11:35PM

Today I went to Poring Hotspring of Sabah. I dunno if I was having fun but the water was so cold and hot in contrast, for the normal pool and the hotspring water respectively.

Today I have done something that can be considered quite brave. Ahem.. Well sometimes, we gotta be initiative haha.. Anyway, I don't do this kinda thing too frequently. I will feel sucks!

Soshite no hanashi ga nihongo de kakimasu. Suma..

Kimi ga doushite? Naze samukatta mitai? Boku wa hontou ni shinpai shite iru, itsu mo. Bokutachi no kankei ga abunai desou ka? Saa.. kono kankei, tooi na. Boku wa nani ga fuka na koto o shita ka? Tonikaku, jitsu ga hitotsu dake, omae ga boku no ichiban saiai no hito:) Shigoto o ganbaru yo!

First Love Theme

Saigo no kisu wa

Tabako no flavor ga shita

Nigakute setsunai kaori

Ashita no imagoro ni wa

Anata wa doko ni iru n' darou

Dare wo omotte 'ru n' darou

You are always gonna be my love

Itsu ka dare ka to mata koi ni ochite mo

I'll remember to love

You taught me how

You are always gonna be the one

Ima wa mada kanashii love song

Atarashii uta utaeru made

Tachidomaru jikan ga

Ugoki-dasou to shite 'ru

Wasuretaku nai koto bakari

Ashita no imagoro ni wa

Watashi wa kitto naite 'ru

Anata wo omotte 'ru n' darou

Itsu mo anata dake no basho ga aru kara

I hope that I have a place in your heart too

Now and forever you are still the one

Ima wa mada kanashii love song

Atarashii uta utaeru made

You are always gonna be my love

Itsu ka dare ka to mata koi ni ochite mo

I'll remember to love

You taught me how

You are always gonna be the one

Mada kanashii love song

Now and forever...

24 NOV, SAT, 4:09PM

Disappointed with you sometimes.

I think instead of complaining others, we should look at ourselves.

"What you don't like people to do on you, STOP doing it to other people."

I know about this for a long time. So, did I still do it by mistake? I wanna improve myself. I want to become a tree; emotionless, patient and brave. Emotionless with any kinds of negative influences; Patient for others; Brave when encountering storms.

For now, I admit, I am still a tweak. Spare me please!

24 NOV, SAT, 12:44AM

Last Friday, which is "today" (for me) or yesterday (for you) was a very peaceful day. The time just went by with 2 meals, a nap and an outing (to Centre Point of Sabah).

To be honest, I gain something in this trip. It's still very blur for now but I am sure that in time, I should be able to know what has changed in me. Making life out is not an easy thing everybody knows that AND, I also understand that sometimes we have to depend on others to make things out (or go through our lives). It would be to no avail if you just see yourself in this world.

Listen to others can gain something. Believe it. I will try to work out this from now on. And I do miss my twin sisters right now. Ah.. love you sisters hope you are fine over Taiwan there!

And my N73, I am probably going for you. You are so damn cute ^.^

22 NOV, THU, 6:51PM

I am in Sabah currently. I still remember somedays in September I was also writing my blog in the same place and same environment, the only difference is the people around me. They are all strangers to me now, though, not really ha..

Sometimes in life we gotta be very generous and wide-hearted, that is not to be influenced by people's words easily. But its heartaching haiz.. Anyway, I hope I can endure the other days.

21 NOV, WED, 11:47PM

I was very happy these few days as I made some new friends. I hope the friendship lasts!

Donald, Gong Yao and Zhi Wei.

Thanks for cheering my life. God bless you!

20 NOV, TUE, 10:15PM

Yesterday I met with a special person. This person has a lot of gestures. I seldom meet such person and I really enjoy spending time with him. He makes life beautiful. What I think is, sometimes certain people are gifted. What they do can attract others and make others to like them. How about myself?

And thinking about another person, J, where are you J? Have been looking forward to hearing from you for almost a week. You can always cheer my day.

And of course you B, your position can never be replaced. Just that I am feeling down and sad and disappointed. What my life would be without you? ..and what my life would be with you around?

Am I becoming a psycho already?

*lol*

Love is not a good thing to play with, neither a hope to be looked forward because.. it hurts! *Ouch!*

19 NOV, MON, 11:07PM

Everything happens for the best?

Just now I went to play badminton and I got myself sprained on the back bone. I am a bit worry because the pain is getting worse, though, well, I still can endure it. What happen? I hope its just the muscle not my vertebra...

And today once again my mood fluctuates. I hate this feeling. Human human human.. Why must I be a human with senses and feelings.

Can I be eternal?

18 NOV, SUN, 8:37PM

I am so afraid now that time flies. It really does..

Yesterday I chat with a friend. We had a gathering 3 months ago but, seems to be weeks ago. Time passed cannot to traced back. We don't have a time machine.

How if there really is a such invention? What age would I want to go back?

Ha.. I had done so many stupid things back to my childhood days. Maybe if there is this chance, I would like to go back to the age of 9, when everything hadn't happened.

I am 24 now, turning 25 next year. 25 is not an age to be joked over anymore. Many things are to be thought about. Future.. Yea future. I hate this. *sigh* How am I gonna go through this period? I started to think that maybe I should really flee to other places.. I am so afraid of the marriage matter. Stop bothering me again PLEASE everyone. I should be the one who will decide K!

My blog is about my invincibility and vulnerability and yet, what I mostly talk about is my vulnerability.. So sien..

15 NOV, THU, 10:56PM

Finally, the last day for my teaching life.

Now that it comes to an end, there are indeed a lot of things that I think of-- the people, what I have learned, what I did wrong, the students, the food, my seat, the preparation and etc etc.

Lets talk about the colleagues. Sitting next to me is Miss Ching. She is a very good person, very cute and then very hardworking and wise girl. She has taught me a lot during my days. Anyway, I am all-the-time feeling awkward when talking to her. I dunno why. And, one thing I am feeling very ashamed of myself is whenever she starts to eat, my saliva starts to produce. Perhaps this is the reason.

Miss Sii Ling, a good friend and someone who looks after me very well. She used to be my Literature teacher and now, we are colleagues. She talked a lot to me, what she had gone through, her opinion and feeling stuff. I am feeling very comfortable to be with her. We are like old friends.

Ursula and Marina. They are the English teacher, however only the latter taught me. I always admire them. They have good command in English yea. And I owed them one big treat; they found me my lost answer sheets! And what they told me really are what will do me good in the future. I respect teachers like them.

And then another person I will always remember which is Mdm Lau. Very nice and kind and helpful person. I want to have contact with her forever.

And Ms Tiong. Very kind person and very wise person. She knows exactly how to deal with problems, though I do not deny she did act ignorant sometimes. I am glad the principal is her when I am around because I am very not likely to be boomed.

And some students I will miss. Those of the 1G my class, 1E and 1A. Not to mention I will not forgot about those in 1H, though I hate to enter the class ha.. Anyway, friends are fine. As pupils I will have to consider again, should there be another time.

I will miss the school, miss the moments and miss a lot of about-to-happen funs.

And in my private world, I hope I can get out of it as soon as possible.

13 NOV, TUE, 10:12PM

Today was the meeting day with parents. Thinking back, actually I was having some very fun moments with some of the parents. Some of them were good chatters and some do respect me. I am just a 24-year-old but for them I am still a teacher afterall ha..

Tomorrow is gonna be the second last day 'cus 2 more days later I am parting the school. What should I do later? Finding another job?

My goal for now: Earn a lot and started to go travel!!!!!!!!! *sweet*

12 NOV, MON, 11:29PM

Hmm... Pondering for what model of mobile phone I am gonna buy. There are only few choices left now: N70, N73, N75 and LG KS series. I need a smart phone actually. I want to save movies into it so that I could watch them anytime! Boring reason ha..

And tomorrow is the day for the meeting between me and the parents. I am started to worry about tomorrow. But anyway, when the time comes I don't get panic. But sure it will be a tiring day. Ah... And after going for sport just now I just felt so weak and tired, aches over my joints. I don't think I do less exercise eh? Do I really?

Lately its getting a lot better also. I have started to put down. Yep its all good now. Well, becoming better in fact. And Thursday is a day I am anticipated. A dinner with all the teachers. *sigh* I am leaving anyway, just hope people could face me again with a broad smile; I know I am not a good teacher so just cut it off on Thursday. I AM LEAVING!!

11 NOV, SUN, 11:11PM

Wow its fantastic!!!! So cool the time is 11:11pm and today is 11-11-07 kekeke.. I guess good luck is gonna fall on me wakaka!!

Well today I just wanna report about my meeting with my old friend. We were not alone as her upline was around. They actually wanted me to join AxWAY. I wanna tell you what dear friend, it would be impossible for me to join you. I can support you in someway but I am really not gonna strive with you. I will disappoint you.. Sorry for that. I am a person like this please do know me from scratch. I am always like this.

Tomorrow is the meeting day for teachers and parents. Nothing to be anticipated anymore. Mondays were used to be my favourite days because I could go to class 1E. This class always cheered my days. I have my favourite students there ha.. I am such a lousy teacher, for being unfair, for being lazy, for being not dedicated, for being ignorant, for being insensitive, for being who I am. Wow.. too many mistakes I have done it seems so.

Duh!!!

When would my latter day comes?

9 NOV, FRI, 2:35PM

Come to think about it, I have been in the school for exactly 2 months now-- Sep 9 to Nov 9.

And during this period I also have done quite a lot of mistakes. I always know I am not a good teacher. Now, I am even sure that I would never be one. I am very disappointed with myself and I am feeling guilty for being their teacher. Ah.. I am going to leave anyway, just 7 more days, and I will part the school forever. I will miss the students and some of the teachers. I have great memories there and I learned a lot as well. I think aside of the mistakes I did, most importantly, I have grown. Still waiting to see how have I change anyway. I hope I will be a more responsible person and dedicated person later. I don't wanna stat lazy for the rest of my life.

Mistakes I have done. Let me list them out so that they will never be forgotten.

1. Not firm enough. Ignoring students to do whatever they want in some classes.
2. Lazy. Didn't give many homework for them.
3. Irresponsible for a form teacher. Didn't give the class DAC daily and late entry in the class everyday.
4. Couldn't able to control the students.
5. A chatter.
6. Didn't carry out duty as it should be.
7. Help students to keep something it shouldn't be brought to school.

Perhaps there are some more I failed to list.

*sigh*

What would happen if I am given one more time to be a teacher?

7 NOV, WED, 11:30PM

Two days left.. I am gonna bid farewell to them. My heart is feeling heavy but what is to come will come.

I hate to be a teacher but I like kids truly. Their blazing and true eyesights can always fill my hunger in life. I am happy to be with them. I feel true about myself when I am with them. Apparently, I have never grown up, perhaps..

2 days would end anytime, in a blink of eyes. I will remember you guys. Take good care and god bless!

Omae ga nai no hi wa mou narimashita.

6 NOV, TUE, 6:26PM

I am so depressed and unhappy.

I can't do things well. I am being looked down upon and I think, I should be.

Let it quick be ended please.

*sigh*

Anyway, I will try to do my best before my leave. I hope people would remember me later.

And, I really miss some of the students I am about to part. I really had so much good times with some of you. Do remember me fellas..

5 NOV, MON, 10:46PM

Another day of DAYs.

AH!! Tired.. of life, of lies..

Well then its not at all meaningless today. I was happy for obtaining the photo hehe..

4 NOV, SUN, 12:29PM

Maybe there is only one way for me to get away from my suffering.

I am starting to ponder what is the purpose of my current life. Everything is so boring. Can I go to other countries and try my life there?

Life is never easy for me, NEVER! I am asking for the same questions all of the time, though I have the answer clearly inside my mind, but I started to doubt the answer. Is it possible? Is it for real? It's just unfair to determine one's destiny that way.

I will stay for another while. When I am really tired and disappointed and hopeless. I might choose to leave. What a life.. so harsh!

31 OCT, WED, 6:55PM

For all those times I endured and spent, I think I will eventually grow. Nothing is to be afraid because after it happened, nothing minds anymore.

Days still go on and what have to be done still need to be worked on. Though its slow but, bit by bit, I start to accept some truth in life. All of us are perhaps given a certain mission when we were born. To find that mission, your life's direction, is YOUR responsibility.

I hope when that day comes, I would be able to have my head up and confidently spend off the rest of my life.

Dare mo shiranai, unmei no koto.
Yuuki o motte. Sore wa mou ii 'n da.

29 OCT, MON, 8:02PM

Today I went to Batu Niah for my late granny's 100-day funeral (we chinese do have such ceremony on the 100th of D**th). I will remember her for the rest of my life. I admit I didn't treat her well enough when she was still around as I was young. Anyway granny..

Rest In Peace

And today I have the opportunity to spend some quality time with my fellow cousins. I really hope after this incident we would be binded together tighter. I've always wish to have closed cousins 'cos.. well, I never have one. Yea, not EVEN one. I really don't want to track back the history of my family.

Today's journey was an enjoyable one though it was a funeral. At least I have things to look forward to.

"Our life is only meaningful WHEN there are things to looking forward." I always tell people about this. Nevertheless, its another day. Lets just keep on with the unfinished exam papers that I have to mark GOD DAMMIT!!

And you B. May health and happiness be with you.

28 OCT, SUN, 8:12PM

It's heart-aching lately. Is it that hard to break an ice apart? I have no idea. My pride has been being challenged again and again. Apparently I have such strong pride in me.

What should I do? Give up a relationship just like this? I don't think you'd feel any better than me. We were close but there were many times when I was so disappointed for what you said and what you thought.

*sigh*

You never know, it's never easy to manage a friendship. I am just, being forced to the edge of a cliff.

And I really wanna know how your doing, B..

像一场梦却醒不过来
另一个我在看着我
她问我值不值得
为你付出所有
只要一想起你的温柔
就会让我看不清楚
你想做的你
没有谁强迫我坚强
我却都忍的住
清醒的孤独
你永远是我的最爱
不管爱你有多难
我的心只想属于你
无法预知的未来
你试着抱起我
却看见远方寂寞
爱将会克服一切
在我心中
我不会停止爱着你
握着你温热的手
就算偶尔透露
你的不安和放纵
我总是相信你

另一个你在看着我
他问我愿不愿意
给你更多自由
只要一想起你的忧愁
我想做的我
梦里的孤独
你永远是我的最爱

28 OCT, SUN, 12:54AM

It sucks... Haiz!

Lets call it another day. I am so damn tired.. physically and mentally.

26 OCT, FRI, 11:10PM

As expected..

If you have expected something, why don't you avoid it? Well, things happen because of self pride perhaps. Let it all gone with the wind.

Share with you a song of the colours of the wind. Pocushunter's theme.

You think you own whatever land you land on
The earth is just a dead thing you can claim
But I know every rock and tree and creature
Has a life has a spirit has a name

You think the only people who are the people
Are the people who look and think like you
But if you walk the footstep of a stranger
You will learn things you never know you never know

Have you ever heard the wolves cry to the blue cold moon
Or ask the grinning bob cat why it grins
Can you sing with all the voices of the mountains
Can you sing with all the colours of the wind
Can you sing with all the colours of the wind

Come run the hidden pine trails of the forest
Come taste the sunsweet berries of the earth
Come roll in all the riches all around you
And for once never wonder what they were

The rainstorm and the river are my brothers
The paron and the otten are my friends
And we are all connected to each other
In a circle in a hope that never ends

How high does a sycamore grows
If you cut it down then you'll never know


And eventually, I am left nothing, like when I first came to this world.

25 OCT, THU, 2:04PM

It might be a good sign that things happen this way. Well maybe, there would be something that awaits me later?

"When a door of happiness is close, another would open for you."

Don't stick to the closed door as it might not open again. Look around you. There sure is another door which is opened, and meant for you.

Look.

Search.

Grab.

Hold.

Last.

Ending.

For some incidents that had happened, don't mind it anymore 'cos, it is a history. Take a lesson from it and do better next time. Don't blame. Blaming doesn't help for it only leads to worse psychotic trauma. Grab hold of what you are holding and appreciate. Firm with your believe, don't let in other false thought. Be true to yourself because cheating yourself is incomparable with cheating the whole world.

Firm? Bravery? Be true? Who knows.

24 OCT, WED, 6:27PM

Haha..

Friend.. ha.. friend..

Now I know who is my FRIENDS.

23 OCT, TUE, 11:19PM

Today I learned about one fact, a successful like is about making choices, but in precise is, the choices are made by you. I mean you create the chance to make choices.

Can it really be trusted? Recently I read quite a lot about how people are feeling confused as well whether to blurt out what is hidden deep inside because the main reason is nothing but the fear of the consequences that follows.

Going into the light isn't as easy as you think and so as hard as coming out from darkness. This is an ironic fact ha..

How would life be led, and how would I travel through it? Saa na..

22 OCT, MON, 11:04AM

Today I am typing from the school's computer.

This week will be the semester exam week and it is an easy-going week of course. I first thought that it'd be happier to enter those classes but.. as I feared, though they are having the exam, they STILL chat!!!! *sigh*

Actually you cannot blame them for what they do because, when they don't know what to fill for the paper, what else can they do? They are truly very weak in studies and I understand their feeling as well. Some say that to give them hope. Well, I am doing my very best. I talked to them bout their dreams and what to become in the future and so on. I just hope they can realise what to do soon. It doesn't matter if one study a lot but at least, you appreciate your life. That'd be enough.

Till then I still have class to go. Matta!

20 OCT, SAT, 11:56PM

My feeling is fluctuating and I really don't like this. Ah.. just leave me alone. To be a human is hard for there are too many things to mind.

I am a weak man.

18 OCT, THU, 11:34PM

Though I have found a job, I still have pressure with mom. Mom is striving very hard to get her this-year tour target. I wanna help as well but I just can't do well mainly I cannot control myself. Sometimes I think that I am such a selfish person. Always saying that I love myself the least but.. I don't wanna contribute to others. I thought I told someone that contributing to others will make your life more meaningful ha.. Actually it does but will you?

And I smelled something fishy today. Ah.. Am I going to make another false assumption? lol

Well then its all tonight.

Good night!

17 OCT, WED, 11:24PM

Nothing much happened today.

I watched a movie alone today, The Seeker: Dark is Rising. The movie is very childish and I don't like the kid inside. It just gave me the feeling of a young Bryan of Westlife and in fact I don't like Bryan. The story is nice just that the kid (again) didn't act as good as others did. A solid 5 out of 10 from me.

And how are you doing today? I am still always thinking of you. I just hope I wouldn't make a false assumption that you actually like me ha ha.. I always did, the truth..

17 OCT, WED, 9:48AM

Today is Wednesday so it's movie day!

Later am going to watch The Seeker. Was being told that it's quite a childish movie but well, I still wanna watch it. Let's see what is it about.

And I am so damn hungry now.

Yesterday I made a new friend. Actually my impression is.. he is quite stupid and likes to showing off that type. Uh! lol I don't mean to be rude but he quite sucks.

And this is the note of this early morning.

16 OCT, TUE, 7:03

I thought, it would be like a lightning strike to me that I know who B falls for but, well seems like the impact wasn't as I feared. Apparently, I am deceiving myself all this time. Instead of saying that I was deceiving myself, I actually saw what I want to see and heard what I want to hear.. So, this is what people are talking about, when you fall for someone, you would create and take every assumption as realities. LOVE yea LOVE: What a dreadful thing to be endured.

Now that I have realised the naked truth and its at least 95% true, should I move on my life? To another level? Ah... I still don't think it would be as easy as it seems like.

Time, is what I need! Perhaps with the help of tickling of the clock, I would first release B, and then forget the feeling and finally accept B again, not as someone I like, but as a friend. Time yes its time I need.

Lord, will you give me a chance to prove myself that I am being true? So grant me the path and the torch. I might fall during this period but I will wake for sure.

Cheers, to myself.

16 OCT, TUE, 12:07AM

Another day.

Today(opps yesterday!) I feel like I have traveled for more than 200KM. It's so tiring. Driving here and there, stopping by here and there and waiting for people here and there. Imagine! How much time I have wasted. Anyway, if I didn't do this, I guess my routine would be as well.. wasting!

Anyway, yesterday there was something special happened. I am very looking forward for that incident. Could it be.. Ah well, it is so being anticipated. Lets see for another few days if anything happen ha..

I have gotten a very much impatient these days and I really don't like this. Please forgive mom if I ever did something that hurt you. I will change today morning. Sorry for you.. Really sorry.

And so then, good night.

14 OCT, SUN, 2:51PM

I am in the process of upgrading myself. I wish I could become a more stable-hearted person, a patient person, a more loving person towards anybody.

My current thought:
"Life is never about destiny but about wills and decisions"

14 OCT, SUN, 2:47PM

I read about 2 stories which are so meaningful. I will share it here but, they are in, well Chinese..

「葉子的離開，是因為風的追求，還是樹的不挽留。」

樹

會叫樹的原因，是因為我擅長畫水彩畫，最愛畫樹，久而久之，我的畫作右下方索性以一棵樹來代表我。

高中三年交過五個女朋友，有一個女孩子，我很愛她，卻遲遲不敢追，她沒有美麗的面孔，沒有姣好的身材，沒有撩人的魅力，一個再平凡不過的女孩子。我喜歡她，真的真的很喜歡她，喜歡她的單純，她的直率，她的可愛，她的智障，她的脆弱。

不追她的原因，也許是潛意識覺得平凡如她配不上我；也許是因為怕在一起後，一切的好感都會消失；也許是怕外人的指指點點傷害了她；也許是覺得，她會是我的，不用急著為了她而放棄一切。

最後這個原因，讓她陪了我三年，讓她看著我和別的女孩子廝混了三年，讓她心痛了三年。

她很想當一個好演員，但我卻像一個嚴苛的導演。我和第二個女朋友在廁所接吻，被她撞見，她尷尬的笑笑說：「Go on！」然後跑掉，第二天，她眼睛腫得跟核桃一樣，我故意不去猜想是誰讓她哭成這樣，嘲笑了她一天，她在所有人都回家後，在教室哭了起來，她不知道練球回 來拿東西的我，看了她一個多小時。我的第四個女朋友，一直很不喜歡她，有次她們兩個吵了起來，我知道依她的個性不會去惹事，但我還是護著女朋友，她被我吼 了一下後，愣住，眼淚滑了下來，我無視她的眼淚，陪女友走出教室，第二天，她依舊嘻嘻哈哈的和我開玩笑，我知道她很難過，但她不會知道我的心不比她好受。

當我和第五個女朋友分手時，我約她出去玩，玩了一天，我對她說：「我有事要對妳說。」她說：「真巧，我也有事要對你說。」「我和她分手了。」「我 和他在一起了。」我知道「他」是誰，他追她也有一陣子了，是個蠻可愛的男孩子，活潑有趣，充滿了熱情，追她追得滿城風雨。我不能表現自己的心痛，只能笑笑 地恭喜她，但當我回到家，心中的痛楚強烈得令我無法承受，像有個千斤重的石頭壓在我胸口，我無法呼吸，想大叫卻叫不出來，眼淚竟然滑了下來，我掩面大哭， 多少次，我也看著她為了那個不願承認的人掩面大哭。

畢業典禮時，我在手機上發現了一封簡訊，這是十天前，我掩面大哭時傳來的，只是我一直沒有去開過機。

「葉子的離開，是因為風的追求，還是樹的不挽留。」



葉子

高中時，喜歡蒐集葉子，why？因為我覺得，一片葉子要離開它長期依賴的樹，好勇敢哩！

高中三年，我和一個男孩子很好，不算男女朋友那種好，是好朋友那種好，但是，在他交第一個女朋友時，我學會了一種不該有的感覺，吃醋，心中的酸，不是一顆 檸檬可以比喻，那就像是100顆臭酸的檸檬，酸到不行，他們只在一起兩個月，當他們分手，我還得掩飾自己心中強烈的喜悅，但是一個月後，他和另一個女孩子 在一起。

我喜歡他，也知道他喜歡我，可是，他為什麼總是不追我呢？明明喜歡彼此，為什麼不行動？每當他交一個女朋友，我就心痛一次，一次又一次的打擊，讓我不禁懷 疑，是我一廂情願嗎？不愛我，為什麼要對我那麼好？他對我的好，已經不是普通朋友可以做到。喜歡一個人，好難過，我可以清楚的知道他的喜好，他的習慣，唯 獨他對我的感覺，我猜不透，難道要我這個女孩子去開口嗎？

儘管如此，我還是想在他身邊，關心他，陪他，愛他，也許算是一種等待的行為，等待他回來愛我，就像每天晚上等他的電話，等他的簡訊，我知道，就算他再忙， 也會撥出一些時間給我。這樣的等待，陪了我三年，等待是難熬的，是令人想放棄的，但等到的那一剎那，讓人第二天會繼續等下去。這樣的煎熬，這樣的痛苦，這 樣的幸福，這樣的矛盾，陪了我三年。

直到三年級下學期，高二一個學弟喜歡上我，每天的熱情追求，令我從一開始的拒絕，漸漸願意挪出我心房的一些位置給他。他像一陣溫柔而持久的風，撩撥我這片 搖搖欲墜的葉子，到最後，我發現我已經不想只留一點點的位置給這陣風，我知道這陣風，會帶我這片傷痕累累的葉子，到更幸福的地方。

於是我離開了樹，樹只是笑笑，沒有挽留。

「葉子的離開，是因為風的追求，還是樹的不挽留。」



風

因為我喜歡的女孩子叫葉子，因為她有一棵令她依戀的樹，所以我要當一陣風，一陣呵護她的風。

第一次看見她，是高二我轉來一個月後的事，個子小小的她坐在球場旁，一雙眼凝視著同和我在球場的學長，每天的社團時間，她總會坐在那裏，一個人，和朋友， 她的眼光依舊凝視著他，當他和女孩子打打鬧鬧，她的眼中有淚，當他看向她，她的眼中有笑。看她成了我的習慣，就像她愛看他。

有一天她沒來，我心中沒來由的焦慮與不安，我無法解釋那種感覺，除了不安，還是不安，而且那學長竟然也不在。我衝去他們教室，躲在外面，看著學長罵她，她的眼淚，他的離去。

第二天，她依舊坐在場邊，看著他，我走過去，對她笑一笑，拿了張紙條給她，她先是驚訝的看著我，然後笑笑地收下。

隔天，她拿著紙條出現在我面前，然後離開。

「葉子的心太沈重，風吹不動。」
「不是葉子的心太沈重，是葉子根本就不想離開樹。」

我回給她這段話後，她漸漸會和我說話，收我的禮物，接我的電話。

我知道她喜歡的不是我，但我還是有毅力一定要讓她喜歡上我，四個月內我告白了不下20次，每一次她都轉移話題，但我還是不會放棄，我決定要的人，我就一定會給它追過來！

一直到不知道第幾次的告白，出了口，雖然知道她一定會又說到別的事，但還是有一絲絲希望她的答應，沒想到她都不說話，「妳在幹嘛？怎麼不說話？」我對著話筒說。

「我在點頭。」
「啊？」我不敢相信自己的耳朵。
「我在點頭！」她大聲叫。

我甩掉電話，匆匆披上一件衣服，上了機車，衝去她們家按門鈴，當她開門的那一剎那，緊緊抱住她。

「葉子的離開，是因為風的追求，還是樹的不挽留。」

14 OCT, SUN, 12:48AM

Just now watched a movie, "Chuck and Larry", pirated DVD, but cinema quality. Well, it is really fast. The movie was nice but the story was a bit boring. I think I watched some other movie similar to this one. There is something I can take from this movie. I think it did benefit me.

A month to go before I could end my life of being a teacher. Happy for that, but at the meanwhile, worry for that. Cos it also means I am gonna find a new job- new environment, new people, new nature of job, new timetable and lot more. Can I adapt to it? I guess I can. But I am afraid that it might affect me too much.

Let's just believe for now that, everything happens for the best..

12 OCT, FRI, 3:38PM

Now that I realise, when I am feeling blue, I will have the urge to write more frequently in my blog. This blog is said to be a space of my daily feeling but what I really do is treating it as a place to utter me love feeling. I am really getting sick of this L-O-V-E thing!!!!! Stay out of me!!

*sigh*

I chat with a friend just now. He said that he hates future. Do you think you can understand why some people hate future? People like this do exist around us and I can assure you, A LOT! And I told him all of us, despite you like it or not, will have to pass it through. And I also told him that things would not be as complicated as they might seem. After giving these statements, I pondered back. Do I.. really know what I was talking about? Ha..

12 OCT, FRI, 1:21AM

I will forget about my love for you. I can definitely do so. I will find a new love, a love that is more possible than this one. Then later, only GOD knows how my destiny would be.

Thanks for all the time you have given.. it's sad but it's also a relief.

10 OCT, WED, 4:39PM

An empty street
An empty house
A hole inside my heart
I'm all alone the room are getting smaller
I wonder how
I wonder why
I wonder where they are
The days we had the songs we sang together oh no

And all my love
I holding on forever
Reaching for a love that seem so far

So I say a little prayer and hope my dreams will take me there
Where the skies are blue to see you once again my love
Over seas from coasts to coasts to find the place I love the most
Where the fields are green to see you once again My love

I try to read
I go to work
I'm laughing with my friends
But I can't stop to keep myself from thinking
I wonder how
I wonder why
I wonder where they are
The days we had the songs we sang together


I hope I can get over it soon, though, I am not really willing to loose the grip all this time.

9 OCT, TUE, 10:51PM

I thought I was invincible in certain area but in fact, I am not. I thought I was optimistic and in fact, I am a pessimist. I thought I could sing bravely on the stage when the time comes and in fact, I couldn't do as I hope it would be. I thought I could forget about B and eventually, it happens that I could never do so, because I am a baka.

There is only one conclusion for these statement: I do not understand myself well enough. I thought I am a brilliant man but in fact I am not. I thought I am a tough guy but in fact I could be easily thorned apart. I thought I have a strong heart.. (you guess the next sentence).

I am such a pessimist, an idiot, an insensible guy and a gig.. How could it be that, all bad points are on me fucking dammit!

I wanna sleep and let me forget all those unhappiness.

9 OCT, TUE, 12:18AM

Yesterday was quite a day. My mood had risen and I felt quite good. For some reason, I could get away from my trouble for some time. Ah..

The badminton just now was fun. Hope to play again soon. Good night!

7 OCT, SUN, 9:49PM

I am so damn sienz... A whole day of class and a whole day of grudge -.- What the heck your doing..

Ah.. lets just forget about you for once.

6 OCT, SAT, 3:36PM

终于作了这个决定
别人怎么说我不理 只要你也一样的肯定
我愿意天涯海角都随你去 我知道一切不容易
我的心一直温习说服自己 最怕你忽然说要放弃

爱真的需要勇气来面对流言蜚语
只要你一个眼神肯定 我的爱就有意义
我们都需要勇气去相信会在一起
人潮拥挤我能感觉你 藏在我手心里 你的真心

如果我的坚强任性会不小心伤害了你
你能不能温柔提醒
我虽然心太急 更害怕错过你


All of the sudden I realise this song is like talking about my story. Ah.. Maybe I am gonna be the one to give you up first.

5 OCT, FRI, 5:22PM

I feel so sorry for my family. My angers triggered without very good reasons and I feel so sorry for that. Lately I am so restless and depressed, so many things are undone and I am having hardship in myself. Perhaps this is another test *sigh*

I don't want so many "test" to come into my life as my life is full of challenges already!! God dammit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thursday please come faster. I don't wanna see the world again hai..

Yea, mentioning bout yesterday, I happened to go to cinema for Resident Evil Extinction. Well, it sucks, really..

Till then--!!

4 OCT, THU, 6:19PM

*sigh*

Tiring day, boring life, everything is a mess.
I am so restless yesterday and today, apparently the influence is so strong it actually bothering me whole day long. What am I going to do? Can anyone tell me?

Ah.. forget it Kang. Just forget everything. Find a place to fly to and then spend the rest of your life there. Life is full of hardships and decisions.. The current me couldn't agree this more.

2 OCT, TUE, 8:48PM

I am wondering, what do you mean by that..? It's bothering me because I thought it might mean.. well.. that.. umm.. you know.. that.. your dedicating the song to me.. I'd really like to think so but I am not sure.

I know you are having hard life of guessing and making decision, who doesn't? I am one of them too. I am the one with the most question-marks. I can hardly understand myself, do you have the same problem like I do? Life is always hard, everybody knows this but for me, I can understand the phrase deeper than any of you; there isn't any other reason than who I am.

I am waiting for a miracle to happen, would it be granted? That miracle is indeed a MIRACLE!

30 SEP, SUN, 10:42PM

Yea today is the last day of September and it is gonna end very soon now that it is 10:42pm.

Somehow I never realise one thing that, when the moment has past, and it is past forever. How many of us would realise this is actually a crucial thing, and important fact. Things done cannot be changed, words said cannot be taken back and moments spent can just be recalled- It's never gonna to happen again..

I am so confused. I don't know how to say in words. Just that, everything seems so mystery in my case. I am not able to guess what you are thinking and I am suffering for that. I wanna give you up but I feel so hard to do so. Maybe.. your thinking the same towards me?! Could it be that your actually feeling like I do? Am I so hard to guess? Ha.. Funny..

28 SEP, FRI, 12:23AM

I have awaited this day for a week or so, FRIDAY yea!! And after today it is holiday!! And I can release the stress for almost a week of time ah..

What would you do in the following week? I can't wait to know..

25 SEP, TUE, 11:16PM

Today was a tiring day. I was yawning from morning till now. What is heck is going on.. And eventually, something really happened. 4 hours ago, my sister was being robbed in her house. They got her car. But very fortunately, my sister was left unharmed. They just tied her up and took some money and went away. Of course, the car was gone as well. I dunno what should I comment on this incident. There is always bad and good sides to everything-- I choose to be grateful that my sister is very fine now.

A song sings,

"Day after day, time pass away.. I couldn't get you out of my mind
Nobody knows what I'm hiding inside.."

Does the lyric goes like this? This is Westlife's "If I let you go".

Sometimes its good to get out of a damn place. At least those people are not around. I am very disappointed and afraid for that day to come. What do you reckon that day be? Ha.. Well none of your business to know. You just read and bear the problems with me.

I am not a superman. I am also a vulnerable man with assorted feeling. I will die from illness and I will feel lonely. I will afraid and I know what is love is about. What do you think a person like me can endure my whole life like this?

24 SEP, MON, 6:18PM

Eventually I started to understand, apparently when we love someone, it doesn't matter if the person loves us back. What really matter is, we will have to do something so that you won't regret later on after you change your heart.

I choose.. just to contribute. And this is me of this current second.

19 SEP, WED, 11:00PM

Today I am tired also, mentally.

I keep wondering, what do you actually see me as? Are you treating me as friend? More than friend? Good friend? 知己？Whatever your treating me as, I am started to feel uneasy. This emotion is true; this feeling is indeed changing.. I really would like to deny the fact but I can't. Apparently, a feeling does change with time when the person is overwhelmed with tiredness.. Could you give me some signs, to tell me what do you feel against me? Of course it'd be best if it is positive BUT if its negative, at least I could give you up and go on with my life. Just a small signal please. I am getting too tired. I don't know till when I can endure. When the time comes.. I will just have to bid you farewell.. Its hard to loose, but I have to because, we make decisions throughout our lives, not to be mentioned, this one as well.

Could you please give me the sign? Could you?

18 SEP, TUE, 11:32PM

Today I am so sad. In school, I am being boycotted by students, though it is only a small portion. But that is more than enough. I am afraid the amount would rise from day to day. *sigh*

Why am I having this? What should I do to them? I really don't think I made a mistake, just the stupid act. I shouldn't jot their name? Ha.. What is this?

Now I am facing mostly pressure from school. I am a teacher now and STOP telling me again that teacher is a nice job!! This job is one of the worst job in this Malaysia! The educational system is so fragile and weak and I couldn't actually predict the future of these students.. Such a pity groups.

Tomorrow am going to see those 1I students again? What would be awaiting me next? Hope everything is just mild. I don't wanna do something that I will regret. I still wanna stay in Miri.

And how are you? Have you been healthy? Boring? And do you ever think of me?

Ha.. Eventually, my blog has become a place that I utter word to you. I am just curious, if you happen to read my blog, would you know I am actually talking about you all the time? I am really a stupid moron.

16 SEP, SUN, 11:34PM

Interesting little facts.. Haha its so meaningful. I just love it. But of course I am actually encountering one, but.. nothing nothing..


6种爱恋

暗戀～
世界上最遙遠的距離　不是生與死
而是我就站在你面前　你卻不知道我愛你

痴戀～
世界上最遙遠的距離
不是我就站在你面前　你卻不知道我愛你
而是明明知道彼此相愛　卻不能在一起

苦戀～
世界上最遙遠的距離
不是明明知道彼此相愛　卻不能在一起
而是明明無法抵擋這股想念
卻還得故意裝作絲毫沒有把你放在心裡

失戀～
世界上最遙遠的距離　不是明明無法抵擋這股想念
卻還得故意裝作絲毫沒有把你放在心裡
而是用自己冷默的心對愛你的人
掘了一條無法跨越的溝渠

熱戀～
世界上最令人察覺不到的事情　便是你我在一起時
那個不斷流逝著的
據說叫做「幸福」的日子

初戀～
世界上最甜美的事情　莫過於你慢慢地向我走來
靜靜地訴說著「我愛你」！


Boku no kotae wa san-ban desu.

16 SEP, SUN, 12:33AM

I am feeling so tired and lonely now. Apparently B is so important in my life. I don't wanna lose you but somehow, you are trying to stay away from me? Well.. if you really do I will nod.

If you don't like a friend like me I will stay away; if you don't like me to do something I will stop doing it; If you never wanna see me again I will stay out of your life for my whole life.

I would hide behind the dustbin if I happen to peek you in the street; I would go out from the cinema 5 minutes later if we happen to watch the same movie in the same theater; I would delete all your contacts, and cut off all the news of you from my life IF, you want me to do so.

So this is how much I xxxx you. I do not dare to say the word anymore.

13 SEP, THU, 11:40PM

Its a another day and it is one day less till the end of school break. Since I am a teacher now, what I concern most is how many days still till I can stop teaching. I really hope its the day tomorrow. In my 6 classes, 1 is extremely good, 2 is moderate, and 3 is terrible. Well its actually EXTREMELY terrible.. I am so tired teaching them. I am shouting, yelling everyday so that everyone can hear me, but what can I do more if the whole class is yelling? To be frank, nothing can be done. Its just like that..

Kimi ima nani o shiteru? Boku wa omae ga zutto omotterun da yo.. Kimi no kao, kimi no koe, kimi no.. subete. Boku wa kimi ni kikitai na.. kimi wa boku ga suki desu ka? Demo muda na.. haha. Kimi hontou ni shiranaika boku no kimi wa dare? Oyasumi..

12 SEP, WED, 10:54PM

Today, despite the tiredness, I feel very glad because there are something happened, and they really warmed my heart, my frozen heart. Thanks..

It might seem to most of the people to be a very very common thing, but for me, it's sweet and warm. Thanks to you.. You raise my confidence a lot. I am glad you did that!

I never hope to hear of what sweet words from you but just a "good night" will cheer my whole night.

Good night to you^.^

11 SEP, TUE, 4:13PM

It is the second day of being a teacher, the second time in my life. I never like to become a teacher and I even swore not to enroll myself in this field BUT, ha.. Eventually I am drained into this stream again. Well though its only for 2 months, I am starting to feel the irritation and stress in it. I really can't do well as a teacher. I don't have powerful voice and I am always laughing, how could I be a successful teacher. It is just 2 days but it seems to be a week for me. I really don't enjoy in becoming a teacher.

*sigh*

Nevertheless, some of the students are adorable, but those are only the minor portion. I am so afraid of the students from the last few classes. You wouldn't be able to imagine the mayhem they create and how ignorant some of them are. Walking around here and there DURING the lectures, shouting to each others, slamming the door, knocking the tables and chairs and other irritating actions. I can't hardly stand it:( But while the students are grinning at you, how could I be able to twist my face and scold them like I have to?! I am weak in this field. I am easily being taken control sometimes. I can talk and I can play and I can mix around with them as a normal person, not a teacher. I am extremely tired and frustrated! Anyway I did have some good time today when I entered 1A this morning. They are adorable and well-mannered and though they made noise as well, but you don't really get irritated by them because they are fine kids.

Back to inner world story, I am feeling peace these days, no much fluctuation lately. Ha.. I am missing you anyway, like I always do. See ya XD

9 SEP, SUN, 10:44PM

So near, yet so far.. I cannot resist the feeling I am having right now. It always makes me mad and I really would like to shout out loud. Can I? Why is it me? And why can't B understand me? You really have no idea about my feeling? Are you that blunt stupid idiot moron. I am so down every night for I am losing myself bit by bit, day after day.

Ah..! Lets don't talk about that. I am going to become a teacher starting tomorrow. I will be teaching English and Moral of Form 1 and Form 2 respectively. I wonder how my life would be after getting this 2-month-part-time-job. Everything happens for the best right? Urggggggghhh!! I hope so..

And thinking back of my life, what path should I take on after this? Is it THIS or THAT? LEFT or RIGHT? FALSE or TRUE? BLACK or WHITE?

B, I just wanna tell you that, I love you more than you can imagine. If people want me to describe it with length, I would say it like this: I would walk 1000KM by feet if I can make you feel the same towards me. Of course, maybe further than that.

8 SEP, SAT, 10:19PM

In fact, being betrayed is a very heart-ache matter. I just feel so hurt, just to be within the same atmosphere with him and his brother. I treated you like my own brothers and yet, what I got is this?! Just now in that room I was actually suffocating just to sit beside him. Why do thing turn out like this? I don't want me to feel like that but, what he had done seems so unforgivable. I know he is trying to mend the broken friendship (or brotherhood) but.. I am very disappointed, at least I am still.. mind a lot about the matter.

Do I still have to chance to participate activities with them? I would really love to but everytime I see him I am so sad. Why did you do that tell me? Do you know how deep you have hurt me? Do you know there are things in this world that you mustn't do even for once, because you might change the destiny of other people. And why must you spread it? Why can't you keep it secretly as you know the criticalness of the matter? Do you know you have ruined me? Its too late man.. too late.. Nevertheless I hope I can forgive you, if that day really comes.. Be steady and be smart moron.

7 SEP, FRI, 5:05PM

Sometimes its so near and sometimes it seems unreachable. What is this? Merely an illusion? Merely my over-sensitivity? Just for once, a signal or something, a word or a gesture, try to let me know what is your true feeling. Its so tiring and apparently, love is the strangest feeling in this world. No wonder all movies or novels can't get away from it because, what people really looking forward is actually.. well you-know-it.

6 SEP, THU, 4:33PM

For all those time you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
Your the one who held me up
Never let me fall
Your the one who saw me through
Through it all

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
You gave me love when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith cos you believe
I am everthing I am because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my head I could touch the sky
I lost my faith you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know what's much it true
I was blessed because I was loved by you


How is the song? *sweet*
I love this song so much! I was able to memorize the lyrics when I am 13 or 14. It's all coming back to me whenever i sing this song because that's the way it is. Would a new day come for me?


There were nights when the wind was so cold
That my body froze in bed if I just listen to it right outside the windows
There were days when the sun was so cruel
That all the tears turned to dust and I just knew my eyes were drying up forever
I finish crying in the instant that you left
And I can't remember where or when or how
And I banished every memory you and I had ever made

There were those empty threats and hollow lies
And whenever you try to hurt me I just hurt you even worse and so much deeper
There were hours that just went on for days
When alone at last we count up all the chances that were lost to us forever
But you we're history with the slamming of the door
And I made myself so strong again somehow
And I never wasted any of my time on you since then


Could it be me to become the singer of this song? It's saddening..

3 SEP, MON, 11:39PM

Finally back in Miri. It was such a long holiday, tiring yet fun. Yea fun!
Another 2 weeks passed by, its just scary sometimes. Apparently time NEVER waits; a second later, you might lose one precious thing. What am I waiting for sometimes really? A fortune? An opportunity? A decision? An event? Or actually just being timid to face what is ahead? Ha.. Funny, so funny life is.

The day would come anytime from now. The pressure is rising and I can barely hold it. What happen if it explodes? Would I hurt people around me? My life is like a time-bomb. Its NOT AT ALL extravagant to call it like that because once the bomb is triggered, I wouldn't have any idea how to continue living with face up.

How are you B..? Did you do what you did for my sake? Could it be? Sometimes I'd rather not to wake up again after I fall into my dream as, at least, I could see what I want to see, hear what I am longing to hear and feel your tender touch and hug.

I am hoping you to know. I am thinking of you every single second; I never fail to forget you for once.. Even if I want so. Its so hard to give you up fucking JESUS! Just.. spare me. Whatever the method...

30 AUGUST, THU, 5:48PM

Its like ages ago that I last had a good night sleep and I have to say that I had a good time yesterday night, a very sound night.

2 days ago I arrived in Sabah, one of the state in Malaysia, and I am gonna have another 4 days here. Sabah is a lively city. Since our 50th Independence Day is just one day ahead. You can actually feel the exciting air when you go to the city. People are flying the national flag on the roof top of their cars and national patriotic songs are aired everywhere. Cool~ I wish Miri is like this.

And today I went to Sabah University just at the edge of the city. Well it is said that this university is the most beautiful university in South East Asia, but of course, it is. Nice terrain, nice building, symbolization of Malaysia culture is well-shown JUST THAT, its so hot.. Oh dear. Because the city is surrounded by sea. Its just that, it might be a good way to draw my attention to elsewhere and help me forget what is bothering me for a few hours. That's be good enough.

Sometimes I wonder, what is B thinking about. B is so hard to guess. I thought I understand B but lets just say, B is one complicated and "brilliant" person as well. But then, well its none of my business soon. Till then..

30 AUGUST, THU, 12:55AM

I hate myself really. Though I have already made up my mind to stop thinking about B but *sigh* to no avail. Love is really a hard thing to release. Why am I so cheap?! B would never lay any eye on you moron! Whenever he sees B online, it just makes him feel awful! Sucks..

28 AUGUST, TUE, 12:25PM

Legolas: From the Lord of The Ring

Somehow I've been in KL for about a week now. Its BORING.. But anyway I have had some gatherings with friends. It's a complicated feeling everytime I start to write my blog *sigh*

Convocation day was not so much anticipated really. Its tiring, wearing those coat and robe, waiting in that suffocating hall and sit on those chairs waiting to be called when there were 900++ graduates to go. Oh mine.. I really don't like it.

Erm.. perhaps this time, after going back to Miri I can have a decent change in myself. I will be much more nothing to do. Hopefully I could have more urge to work now. And I would really wanna see how life will change after that day. I am gonna brace myself and encounter what is to come. Coming out from an eternal bad dream isn't that bad, at least, my path to the future would be clearer. Yea, hopefully..

I have nothing good in myself. I have so many weaknesses BUT I am proud of one good quality in myself-- I don't lose control easily. Because of this, I still haven't done anything stupid. HE takes something away from me, but in turn HE grants me other thing. Oh GOD, Jesus or whatever, spare my life from now on. Thanks..

20 AUGUST, TUE, 11:44PM

Apparently, what has happened is not as hard as I thought to deal with. The leaked secret somehow, brings the feeling of disappointment, instead of shame. I will believe in time, hope to get recovered as soon as possible.

Anyway, I am probably in the midst of adult-transition trauma, worrying about the future- job, marriage, loan and some other. Am I ready to become an adult? I always wonder. I love to live in fantasy and I love to think like teenager despite my thinking model is far more mature than anybody. Getting old is not a good thing because it signals my attention to accept what is the real world.

Wealth, I don't have it. Health, I think I am having it, though I can never tell before going through a thorough medical checkup. And love, oh mine.. I do not dare to imagine bout it. Career, well, as long as it gives nice pay I think its fine. Happiness, I have some of it. Depress, I suffer a lot from it. So as a conclusion, I am not a happy man, I never will be.

20 AUGUST, MON, 12:17AM

It is seldom that i sleep this late, but something is bothering me so I gotta write it out before I forget about it.

Everyone does have secret I believe. A secret that belongs only to himself, and can never be exposed. But unfortunately, somehow, my little secret was being known by a third party, and this third party happens to be a 14 years old kid. What should I do? Upon knowing the secret, he even repeated and repeated twice to me, and there were people around. I don't know what should I do now. The secret is a shame for me, the MOST crucial matter in my life and yet, it was being broadcast like that. Will I have the courage to face what is about to come? Teasing and prejudice, maybe more.

I am so wrong. I shouldn't save those kind of things in my HP bullshit! No matter how, this incident is gonna change my life from now. I can never be the same anymore to certain people. I can never do something I wanna do again. I can never approach someone anymore. I can never be face to face with someone anymore. I will not have the confident to stand in front of these people anymore. I can no longer have activities with the people I treasure all this long anymore. It is such a big lose. Why things like this happened to me? Hasn't it be enough?

Fuck you!! So damn tired of some people.

17 AUGUST, FRI, 7:15PM

I have met with a special song. This song is so special cause whenever it sings, it touches my heart, calms me down and heals my almost-broken soul.

《我们的歌》 from Lee-hom. In english its known as "Our Song". I love this song because there is some sentences in it that are so.. nice.

It goes like this:
情人总分分合合 可是我们却越爱越深
认识你让我的幸福如此悦耳
能不能不要记得 继续唱我们的歌
让感动一辈子都记得

In english,
Relationship of lovers breaks and mends all the time
But our love grew stronger and stronger with time
Knowing you has made my happiness so symphonic
Can we please don't remember and continue with our song?
Let us remember the feeling eternally

I love this song for a solid reason that it gives me the courage to continue with my life. I'm just loving it.

16 AUGUST, THU, 7:34PM

It had been a mixture of complication and symphony these days. Kita..

Yea, as always, I do not enjoy my life, really.. Maybe, everything will make a big turn later. Let's wait for it.

13 AUGUST, MON, 10:52PM

August the 13, it's my birthday!

I have always treasure my birthday, but I always keep this feeling to myself. On this day, I was born. On this day, there were numerous unforgettable memories being carved. On this day, I always hope for the impossible thing to happen. It is impossible because, it is really not likely to happen ha..

I have been loving a person for a long time. But I never have the urge to tell the story, but not today. Let's talk about why I am suffering all this long. YES! It is LOVE.

For me, Love is always a very far thing. Yea, it can be seen but I can hardly touch it, feel it, taste it, live with it. The reason is, there is a very big barrier in between, that barrier keeps me away from love. I don't know and have no idea when would I have the courage to overcome it but before hand, it is the person I like so much that tortures me. Lets name the person B.

We have been knowing each other for quite some time. Somehow I am very close with B. We have been doing many activities together. But the problem is, I couldn't show my love to B for a very solid reason. And it seemed to me that B doesn't have any liking towards me. B treats me, well perhaps as a good friend but that makes me suffer even more. Sometimes, I would wish that, an unreachable love is better off vanished without any traces. If B doesn't exist I would have whole lot more time to do the things I wanna do. If B doesn't exist, I would have the excuse to switch my attention to somebody else. If B doesn't exist, I think I wouldn't be like a coward, hypocrite and a moron, as of now, to myself, to B and to other people. I am so damn fucking sad, disappointed and tired.. In turn, if I do not exist, everything wouldn't be so complicated. I am never saying that I am gonna kill myself. Just that, if I do not exist.

I watched a movie, "The Forgotten", 2 years ago. I wish the missing boy could be either me, or B.

Today is my birthday, I am happy to get so many blessing from some lost friends. Among them are SK Kiu, YK Chua, ST Bong, Jenny, HL Wong, CT Ku, CL Liu, CB Chua, Leo, Jocelyn, 庆秀, Y Ling, TK Ling, HG Ooi, TW Jong, my dearest godbrother and sister高米、文卉、高成, JH Pui, KY Chia, Eunice, SP Wong, my best friend KY Lim, KC Wong, Jimmy, Jane chin, KS Lau, CW Jong, LF Ngu and some forgotten buddies! Thanks. My life is revitalized for a moment upon receiving the blessings, the regards from you. And special thanks to a buddy back in UPM, Yong Chuan, for his nice encouragement in my dark hour days ago. I would like to share it with all of you!

On the life stage
You are the director, the script writer, the actor, and the hero
Sometimes, you are shining bright
Sometimes, you would be behind the curtain

BUT

No matter how is your performance, never should you give up

FOR
You are acting the role of yourself

I wanna make a wish before the bell knocks^^
I wish I could find my passion in life. I wish my family to have health. I wish B could be out of my mind, or if the case does happen reversely, I hope we could be together.

Wish is just a wish. Be happy, Nothing is gonna happen, but it gives people a slight hope in the future. "At least I did think like this before", you would say.

10 AUGUST, FRI, 9:10AM

Ohayou gozaimasu

Today is a tiring day for me, somehow I didn't sleep well these days for certain reasons, perhaps.
Recently I am very into a stranger's blog on blogspot. I feel very comfortable reading his writing. Good language and good view. I admire the way he sees and encounters things and I really hope one day I would have such motivation and bravery to be like he does.

Eventually I realize, there is nothing could be done to certain things. I only hope I can have the courage to keep on living my life, without those negative feeling. I want to be like others do, do what they like, see what they want, eat what is delicious and think positively towards life..

Things happen for a reason. This is the only phrase that I don't really like and want to accept.

7 AUGUST, TUE, 4:59PM

Life is funny, and its interesting, but sometimes it will make you drown.

Do all people think like me do? That, I feel hope and despair everyday, too many times that I actually couldn't count them in number. Its very abstract thing to start with, but these things cheer you, and they also hurt you.

I don't really enjoy living on this earth because I feel too many unfairness in my life. I just hope things get fine. I really hope I can be released, in someway.

1 AUGUST, WED, 12:13PM

Back in Miri for a month.
....
....
Cos I am speechless.

I think so much these days, on how to live my life, how to utilize the remaining time and how to encounter the hardship in a relationship. I know not about my future, I work it out?

Blogging always makes me sad as I always think of the unsolved problem. They couldn't be told that's the problem.
"But I'd really wanna share it. "
How could I..? And I was again, stunned for 30 seconds, staring blankly into the text field.
10 seconds-- this time.
I guess this is all.

I have somemore. What I want actually? Live life without a direction is torturing. How I wish if the world ends tomorrow.

Does every human have their secrets? Can you keep a secret?

First 7 months of 2007

1. Have you had your birthday yet?
No

2. Are you with the same person as you were at the beginning of 2007?
With who?

3. Are you still in the same job?
Nope.. I was a student and now a jobless man

4. Is your hair color the same color?
Yep

5. Have you got the same style/color hair?
I change my hair style from time to time.. Err well I am not really sure XD

6. Have you bought a new car this year?
I don't need one

7.How many girlfriends/boyfriends have you had this year?
I never have one

8. Have you been involved with the police this year?
Traffic police as well?

9. All time drinking place for 2007?
Used to drink under my flat floor

10. Is your best friend at the start still your best friend?
Some yes some no..

11. Got any tattoos or piercings this year?
i don't fancy tattoos but piercings are cool. But it hurts.. Do them?

12. Had a hair cut?
3 times?

13. Been in hospital this year?
Almost.. Suspected having dengue

14. Lost someone you cared about this year?
It's complicated.. Grandma.

15. Been on a vacation this year?
I would love to. But no one was organizing one.

16. Been in love this year?
Mono-direction? Funny..

17. Fallen out of love this year?
How could I..

18. Been kicked out of a public place this year?
No idea.. Maybe

19. Completed studies this year?
Yep. I am happy but I am jobless now

20. Read a book this year?
I read a lot of comics

21. Worst thing to happen this year?
I grad

22. Best thing to happen this year?
I hope i could find my target, my objective and direction in life.

23. How many times have you gotten drunk?
Once only. People's fault

24. Have you fallen for someone this year?
Nope

25. Has this year been a good one so far?
Somehow yea..

26 July, THU, 19:19

Why do men like problem? They like to find problem but they don't really know how to solve it. They should know from the start that it is not something interesting and the ending might be terrible, aweful..

I feel that I am getting a bit nuts recently. I am thinking the same problem over and over, again and again. Isn't that the answer is clear enough? What do I really hope for, I don't know. I just know I am being stupid. I am being one of the stupidest men. Come to writing it down with words, I just happen to be so blank in mind. I don't know..

I am one man that thinks bullshit all the time. It's so tired- my heart. I am a moron, truly I think so. Well then I have realized bout it, how about having a change? Ha.. I wouldn't call myself an idiot if it is easy. Forget things of the unforgettable, stop doing things of the desired. I don't know..

Why do I have big tummy. Why don't I like to eat. Why don't I like studying nor working. Why di I feel so restless. Why do I write this. Rubbish..!

Pretend you didn't read this, if you happened to.

June 27, WED, 1:52AM

20 days have gone, hundreds of hours have passed by; Everything seems the same, but in fact they are not.

1 month and 16 days to the age of 24, he knows nothing about the future. He is so desperate, to find out what are the things that should be done. He is forced to a junction- the junction of life, one of them. Will he be strong enough to overcome it? Sure.. There shouldn't be a problem, as he is facing difficulties throughout his life. His life has been too harsh, and too hard, to be understood. It is because destiny cannot be altered.

Now, upon turning 24, he is thinking to go on what stays ahead, and awaits him. Cos days ago, he heard a saying that goes 'There is no such thing as a dead end, because man torches it up all the time'. Perhaps, this phrase has saved a fallen soul. Perhaps, upon recalling back this phrase, he, would have the courage to overcome the bitterness, the hardness and misfortunes that come his way.

The last thing now, he can only say to himself,

"さあな、なにも、もう関係ない。来い、待ってるよ！"

June 7, THU, 2:55AM

"Today is a beautiful day, BUT I cannot see"

This is the line that touched me a week ago. The story goes... like this.

A blind boy was begging for money by the street, laying a cap on his laps and there was a sign beside him read "I am blind, please HELP". It was working hours and people were passing by but, nobody paid attention to him.

Anyway, nice man does exist. A man came to this boy and gave the boy all the pennies he has got, and also took over the sign. The boy could hear his signboard was being jotted. Seconds later, the sign was put back into its original place.

That day, all people passed by threw pennies into the boy's rotten cap.

By the evening the nice man came to this boy again, and stood in front of him for some time. The boy instinctively noticed this might be the man who had help him.

"Are you the one that changed my words on the signboard?"

"Yea"

"Thanks so much! Your such a good man. There were not many people paying attention to me before"

After a moment of silence, the boy spoke again.

"What.. did you write?"

"I wrote the same thing as you did, but I just used different words"



Now you know the words? Sometimes, no, is most of the time, we have to be grateful for what we have. Maybe we can never have those experience of the blinds and handicaps, if you think, over and over, imagine it, then you know your so lucky.

Back to real life, it has again, a month of time since I jotted here. Many things had happened but mostly bad things. Recently I am wore off just because of my Final Year Project thesis. I am tired both physically and mentally because I have to rewrite the thing over and over again. It is the 3rd draft I am writing now. And every time I go to see him, this supervisor of mine definitely has things to talk about, this and that, here and there. Tomorrow I have to go see him again, I just hope everything could over.

I prefer not to hate my supervisor; I prefer to see this as a real life boss-employee problem.

May 2, WED, 11:24PM

I just got this test and I think its so interesting and I tried it out, but I don't really like the result because there are things that I wasn't really mean to do.

1. Had sex: $3.00
2. Smoked: $0.50
3. Got drunk: $5.00
4. Went skinny dipping: $3.00
5. Kissed someone of the opposite sex: $3.00
6. Kissed someone of the same sex: $4.00
7. Cheated: $2.00
8. Fell asleep in class: $0.00
9. Been expelled: $3.00
10. Been in a fist fight: $3.00
11. Given oral: $5.00
12. Got oral: $5.00
13. Prank called the cops: $5.00
14. Stole something: $2.00
15. Done drugs:$5.00
16. Dyed your hair: $0.50
17. Done something with someone older (like a few years): $2.00
18. Went out with someone OVER 18 (if your under 18): $2.00
19. Ate a whole thing of oreos: $1.00
20. Cried yourself to sleep: $1.00
21. Said you love someone but didn't mean it: $1.00
22. Been in love: $2.00
23. Got caught doing something that you shouldn't have been doing: $4.00
24. Went streaking: $2.00
25. Got arrested: $5.00
26. Made out with someone at the movies: $2.00
27. Peed in the pool: $4.00
28. Played spin the bottle: $1.00
29. Done something you regret: $1.00

"I'm worth $24"

Apr 29, SUN, 10:37PM

せいかつはなんか詰まらなくなったね

どうする

僕はまだ働きの気持ちがあるんだ

何かしたくてできないので、胸が無力だ

勉強は何のことと思う？実は本当に必要がないだろう

さあ

どこへも逃げ行きたくてそこに住みたいね。。

Apr 28, SAT, 12:34AM

Oh well, I am so disappointed of meself.. I always have this grudge over things I do/did. I am not persistent (oh man) this is what I hate the most about myself. Why couldn't I.. couldn't I.. at least have some.. well spend a considerable amount of time at least for my writing about my life?? *sigh*

I'd better still sum up what have I done these past few weeks. Firstly my trouble ticket system is running (this cheers me up a lotz~~) and secondly, mom has come back home today from Russia. And, err.. let me think of some important event. Umm.. I have just bought a pair of slippers with RM16, I have finished the final lectures of my entire life (perhaps), and I have finally took my last paper for Japanese. Will this be the end of my jap-learning life? Hope it won't.

What I wanna utter (ha. finally get to the point) is that everyone does go through this phase of life, when they have to part books, classes and start seeking for a job, and planning for the future. I am in a trauma which I cannot believe I am actually coming to 24 and have to follow what everybody does. I still cannot accept the fact that I am no longer far from earning for my life and gonna start giving support back to family. This is harsh for a person like me, who is always thinking about entertainment, where to travel (but in the end I go nowhere) or being headache just because of thinking to have how many matches of dota in a day and... urghhhhh!! I hate meself..

Can everything be the way it was? Going to Fotang joking with the kids, going to cyber cafe once in a while, laying back in mom's office doing.. nothing in particular, sleep till 10am every morning.. Its scary now I realise things might vanish all of a sudden when I open my eyes in a new day. My brain is teared to pieces...

Anyone drop by here give me some direction. I am lost, getting straight to the point. *sigh*

XENRI Buffet-- MAR 25:: VENUE: XENRI Nihon Ryourikan

The Private Room: Since we booked for 8 persons. *Shoes off pls~~













Tempura: These are the fried food- Shrimps, carrot, mushrooms.













Oysters and Octopus: Raw and cooked; weird and tasty; Respectively.













Barbecued Food: Fish and beef!! Hot, tasty and irresistable!! *Yum yum~