30 AUGUST, THU, 5:48PM

Its like ages ago that I last had a good night sleep and I have to say that I had a good time yesterday night, a very sound night.

2 days ago I arrived in Sabah, one of the state in Malaysia, and I am gonna have another 4 days here. Sabah is a lively city. Since our 50th Independence Day is just one day ahead. You can actually feel the exciting air when you go to the city. People are flying the national flag on the roof top of their cars and national patriotic songs are aired everywhere. Cool~ I wish Miri is like this.

And today I went to Sabah University just at the edge of the city. Well it is said that this university is the most beautiful university in South East Asia, but of course, it is. Nice terrain, nice building, symbolization of Malaysia culture is well-shown JUST THAT, its so hot.. Oh dear. Because the city is surrounded by sea. Its just that, it might be a good way to draw my attention to elsewhere and help me forget what is bothering me for a few hours. That's be good enough.

Sometimes I wonder, what is B thinking about. B is so hard to guess. I thought I understand B but lets just say, B is one complicated and "brilliant" person as well. But then, well its none of my business soon. Till then..

30 AUGUST, THU, 12:55AM

I hate myself really. Though I have already made up my mind to stop thinking about B but *sigh* to no avail. Love is really a hard thing to release. Why am I so cheap?! B would never lay any eye on you moron! Whenever he sees B online, it just makes him feel awful! Sucks..

28 AUGUST, TUE, 12:25PM

Legolas: From the Lord of The Ring

Somehow I've been in KL for about a week now. Its BORING.. But anyway I have had some gatherings with friends. It's a complicated feeling everytime I start to write my blog *sigh*

Convocation day was not so much anticipated really. Its tiring, wearing those coat and robe, waiting in that suffocating hall and sit on those chairs waiting to be called when there were 900++ graduates to go. Oh mine.. I really don't like it.

Erm.. perhaps this time, after going back to Miri I can have a decent change in myself. I will be much more nothing to do. Hopefully I could have more urge to work now. And I would really wanna see how life will change after that day. I am gonna brace myself and encounter what is to come. Coming out from an eternal bad dream isn't that bad, at least, my path to the future would be clearer. Yea, hopefully..

I have nothing good in myself. I have so many weaknesses BUT I am proud of one good quality in myself-- I don't lose control easily. Because of this, I still haven't done anything stupid. HE takes something away from me, but in turn HE grants me other thing. Oh GOD, Jesus or whatever, spare my life from now on. Thanks..

20 AUGUST, TUE, 11:44PM

Apparently, what has happened is not as hard as I thought to deal with. The leaked secret somehow, brings the feeling of disappointment, instead of shame. I will believe in time, hope to get recovered as soon as possible.

Anyway, I am probably in the midst of adult-transition trauma, worrying about the future- job, marriage, loan and some other. Am I ready to become an adult? I always wonder. I love to live in fantasy and I love to think like teenager despite my thinking model is far more mature than anybody. Getting old is not a good thing because it signals my attention to accept what is the real world.

Wealth, I don't have it. Health, I think I am having it, though I can never tell before going through a thorough medical checkup. And love, oh mine.. I do not dare to imagine bout it. Career, well, as long as it gives nice pay I think its fine. Happiness, I have some of it. Depress, I suffer a lot from it. So as a conclusion, I am not a happy man, I never will be.

20 AUGUST, MON, 12:17AM

It is seldom that i sleep this late, but something is bothering me so I gotta write it out before I forget about it.

Everyone does have secret I believe. A secret that belongs only to himself, and can never be exposed. But unfortunately, somehow, my little secret was being known by a third party, and this third party happens to be a 14 years old kid. What should I do? Upon knowing the secret, he even repeated and repeated twice to me, and there were people around. I don't know what should I do now. The secret is a shame for me, the MOST crucial matter in my life and yet, it was being broadcast like that. Will I have the courage to face what is about to come? Teasing and prejudice, maybe more.

I am so wrong. I shouldn't save those kind of things in my HP bullshit! No matter how, this incident is gonna change my life from now. I can never be the same anymore to certain people. I can never do something I wanna do again. I can never approach someone anymore. I can never be face to face with someone anymore. I will not have the confident to stand in front of these people anymore. I can no longer have activities with the people I treasure all this long anymore. It is such a big lose. Why things like this happened to me? Hasn't it be enough?

Fuck you!! So damn tired of some people.

17 AUGUST, FRI, 7:15PM

I have met with a special song. This song is so special cause whenever it sings, it touches my heart, calms me down and heals my almost-broken soul.

《我们的歌》 from Lee-hom. In english its known as "Our Song". I love this song because there is some sentences in it that are so.. nice.

It goes like this:
情人总分分合合 可是我们却越爱越深
认识你让我的幸福如此悦耳
能不能不要记得 继续唱我们的歌
让感动一辈子都记得

In english,
Relationship of lovers breaks and mends all the time
But our love grew stronger and stronger with time
Knowing you has made my happiness so symphonic
Can we please don't remember and continue with our song?
Let us remember the feeling eternally

I love this song for a solid reason that it gives me the courage to continue with my life. I'm just loving it.

16 AUGUST, THU, 7:34PM

It had been a mixture of complication and symphony these days. Kita..

Yea, as always, I do not enjoy my life, really.. Maybe, everything will make a big turn later. Let's wait for it.

13 AUGUST, MON, 10:52PM

August the 13, it's my birthday!

I have always treasure my birthday, but I always keep this feeling to myself. On this day, I was born. On this day, there were numerous unforgettable memories being carved. On this day, I always hope for the impossible thing to happen. It is impossible because, it is really not likely to happen ha..

I have been loving a person for a long time. But I never have the urge to tell the story, but not today. Let's talk about why I am suffering all this long. YES! It is LOVE.

For me, Love is always a very far thing. Yea, it can be seen but I can hardly touch it, feel it, taste it, live with it. The reason is, there is a very big barrier in between, that barrier keeps me away from love. I don't know and have no idea when would I have the courage to overcome it but before hand, it is the person I like so much that tortures me. Lets name the person B.

We have been knowing each other for quite some time. Somehow I am very close with B. We have been doing many activities together. But the problem is, I couldn't show my love to B for a very solid reason. And it seemed to me that B doesn't have any liking towards me. B treats me, well perhaps as a good friend but that makes me suffer even more. Sometimes, I would wish that, an unreachable love is better off vanished without any traces. If B doesn't exist I would have whole lot more time to do the things I wanna do. If B doesn't exist, I would have the excuse to switch my attention to somebody else. If B doesn't exist, I think I wouldn't be like a coward, hypocrite and a moron, as of now, to myself, to B and to other people. I am so damn fucking sad, disappointed and tired.. In turn, if I do not exist, everything wouldn't be so complicated. I am never saying that I am gonna kill myself. Just that, if I do not exist.

I watched a movie, "The Forgotten", 2 years ago. I wish the missing boy could be either me, or B.

Today is my birthday, I am happy to get so many blessing from some lost friends. Among them are SK Kiu, YK Chua, ST Bong, Jenny, HL Wong, CT Ku, CL Liu, CB Chua, Leo, Jocelyn, 庆秀, Y Ling, TK Ling, HG Ooi, TW Jong, my dearest godbrother and sister高米、文卉、高成, JH Pui, KY Chia, Eunice, SP Wong, my best friend KY Lim, KC Wong, Jimmy, Jane chin, KS Lau, CW Jong, LF Ngu and some forgotten buddies! Thanks. My life is revitalized for a moment upon receiving the blessings, the regards from you. And special thanks to a buddy back in UPM, Yong Chuan, for his nice encouragement in my dark hour days ago. I would like to share it with all of you!

On the life stage
You are the director, the script writer, the actor, and the hero
Sometimes, you are shining bright
Sometimes, you would be behind the curtain

BUT

No matter how is your performance, never should you give up

FOR
You are acting the role of yourself

I wanna make a wish before the bell knocks^^
I wish I could find my passion in life. I wish my family to have health. I wish B could be out of my mind, or if the case does happen reversely, I hope we could be together.

Wish is just a wish. Be happy, Nothing is gonna happen, but it gives people a slight hope in the future. "At least I did think like this before", you would say.

10 AUGUST, FRI, 9:10AM

Ohayou gozaimasu

Today is a tiring day for me, somehow I didn't sleep well these days for certain reasons, perhaps.
Recently I am very into a stranger's blog on blogspot. I feel very comfortable reading his writing. Good language and good view. I admire the way he sees and encounters things and I really hope one day I would have such motivation and bravery to be like he does.

Eventually I realize, there is nothing could be done to certain things. I only hope I can have the courage to keep on living my life, without those negative feeling. I want to be like others do, do what they like, see what they want, eat what is delicious and think positively towards life..

Things happen for a reason. This is the only phrase that I don't really like and want to accept.

7 AUGUST, TUE, 4:59PM

Life is funny, and its interesting, but sometimes it will make you drown.

Do all people think like me do? That, I feel hope and despair everyday, too many times that I actually couldn't count them in number. Its very abstract thing to start with, but these things cheer you, and they also hurt you.

I don't really enjoy living on this earth because I feel too many unfairness in my life. I just hope things get fine. I really hope I can be released, in someway.

1 AUGUST, WED, 12:13PM

Back in Miri for a month.
....
....
Cos I am speechless.

I think so much these days, on how to live my life, how to utilize the remaining time and how to encounter the hardship in a relationship. I know not about my future, I work it out?

Blogging always makes me sad as I always think of the unsolved problem. They couldn't be told that's the problem.
"But I'd really wanna share it. "
How could I..? And I was again, stunned for 30 seconds, staring blankly into the text field.
10 seconds-- this time.
I guess this is all.

I have somemore. What I want actually? Live life without a direction is torturing. How I wish if the world ends tomorrow.

Does every human have their secrets? Can you keep a secret?