31 OCT, WED, 6:55PM

For all those times I endured and spent, I think I will eventually grow. Nothing is to be afraid because after it happened, nothing minds anymore.

Days still go on and what have to be done still need to be worked on. Though its slow but, bit by bit, I start to accept some truth in life. All of us are perhaps given a certain mission when we were born. To find that mission, your life's direction, is YOUR responsibility.

I hope when that day comes, I would be able to have my head up and confidently spend off the rest of my life.

Dare mo shiranai, unmei no koto.
Yuuki o motte. Sore wa mou ii 'n da.

29 OCT, MON, 8:02PM

Today I went to Batu Niah for my late granny's 100-day funeral (we chinese do have such ceremony on the 100th of D**th). I will remember her for the rest of my life. I admit I didn't treat her well enough when she was still around as I was young. Anyway granny..

Rest In Peace

And today I have the opportunity to spend some quality time with my fellow cousins. I really hope after this incident we would be binded together tighter. I've always wish to have closed cousins 'cos.. well, I never have one. Yea, not EVEN one. I really don't want to track back the history of my family.

Today's journey was an enjoyable one though it was a funeral. At least I have things to look forward to.

"Our life is only meaningful WHEN there are things to looking forward." I always tell people about this. Nevertheless, its another day. Lets just keep on with the unfinished exam papers that I have to mark GOD DAMMIT!!

And you B. May health and happiness be with you.

28 OCT, SUN, 8:12PM

It's heart-aching lately. Is it that hard to break an ice apart? I have no idea. My pride has been being challenged again and again. Apparently I have such strong pride in me.

What should I do? Give up a relationship just like this? I don't think you'd feel any better than me. We were close but there were many times when I was so disappointed for what you said and what you thought.

*sigh*

You never know, it's never easy to manage a friendship. I am just, being forced to the edge of a cliff.

And I really wanna know how your doing, B..

像一场梦却醒不过来
另一个我在看着我
她问我值不值得
为你付出所有
只要一想起你的温柔
就会让我看不清楚
你想做的你
没有谁强迫我坚强
我却都忍的住
清醒的孤独
你永远是我的最爱
不管爱你有多难
我的心只想属于你
无法预知的未来
你试着抱起我
却看见远方寂寞
爱将会克服一切
在我心中
我不会停止爱着你
握着你温热的手
就算偶尔透露
你的不安和放纵
我总是相信你

另一个你在看着我
他问我愿不愿意
给你更多自由
只要一想起你的忧愁
我想做的我
梦里的孤独
你永远是我的最爱

28 OCT, SUN, 12:54AM

It sucks... Haiz!

Lets call it another day. I am so damn tired.. physically and mentally.

26 OCT, FRI, 11:10PM

As expected..

If you have expected something, why don't you avoid it? Well, things happen because of self pride perhaps. Let it all gone with the wind.

Share with you a song of the colours of the wind. Pocushunter's theme.

You think you own whatever land you land on
The earth is just a dead thing you can claim
But I know every rock and tree and creature
Has a life has a spirit has a name

You think the only people who are the people
Are the people who look and think like you
But if you walk the footstep of a stranger
You will learn things you never know you never know

Have you ever heard the wolves cry to the blue cold moon
Or ask the grinning bob cat why it grins
Can you sing with all the voices of the mountains
Can you sing with all the colours of the wind
Can you sing with all the colours of the wind

Come run the hidden pine trails of the forest
Come taste the sunsweet berries of the earth
Come roll in all the riches all around you
And for once never wonder what they were

The rainstorm and the river are my brothers
The paron and the otten are my friends
And we are all connected to each other
In a circle in a hope that never ends

How high does a sycamore grows
If you cut it down then you'll never know


And eventually, I am left nothing, like when I first came to this world.

25 OCT, THU, 2:04PM

It might be a good sign that things happen this way. Well maybe, there would be something that awaits me later?

"When a door of happiness is close, another would open for you."

Don't stick to the closed door as it might not open again. Look around you. There sure is another door which is opened, and meant for you.

Look.

Search.

Grab.

Hold.

Last.

Ending.

For some incidents that had happened, don't mind it anymore 'cos, it is a history. Take a lesson from it and do better next time. Don't blame. Blaming doesn't help for it only leads to worse psychotic trauma. Grab hold of what you are holding and appreciate. Firm with your believe, don't let in other false thought. Be true to yourself because cheating yourself is incomparable with cheating the whole world.

Firm? Bravery? Be true? Who knows.

24 OCT, WED, 6:27PM

Haha..

Friend.. ha.. friend..

Now I know who is my FRIENDS.

23 OCT, TUE, 11:19PM

Today I learned about one fact, a successful like is about making choices, but in precise is, the choices are made by you. I mean you create the chance to make choices.

Can it really be trusted? Recently I read quite a lot about how people are feeling confused as well whether to blurt out what is hidden deep inside because the main reason is nothing but the fear of the consequences that follows.

Going into the light isn't as easy as you think and so as hard as coming out from darkness. This is an ironic fact ha..

How would life be led, and how would I travel through it? Saa na..

22 OCT, MON, 11:04AM

Today I am typing from the school's computer.

This week will be the semester exam week and it is an easy-going week of course. I first thought that it'd be happier to enter those classes but.. as I feared, though they are having the exam, they STILL chat!!!! *sigh*

Actually you cannot blame them for what they do because, when they don't know what to fill for the paper, what else can they do? They are truly very weak in studies and I understand their feeling as well. Some say that to give them hope. Well, I am doing my very best. I talked to them bout their dreams and what to become in the future and so on. I just hope they can realise what to do soon. It doesn't matter if one study a lot but at least, you appreciate your life. That'd be enough.

Till then I still have class to go. Matta!

20 OCT, SAT, 11:56PM

My feeling is fluctuating and I really don't like this. Ah.. just leave me alone. To be a human is hard for there are too many things to mind.

I am a weak man.

18 OCT, THU, 11:34PM

Though I have found a job, I still have pressure with mom. Mom is striving very hard to get her this-year tour target. I wanna help as well but I just can't do well mainly I cannot control myself. Sometimes I think that I am such a selfish person. Always saying that I love myself the least but.. I don't wanna contribute to others. I thought I told someone that contributing to others will make your life more meaningful ha.. Actually it does but will you?

And I smelled something fishy today. Ah.. Am I going to make another false assumption? lol

Well then its all tonight.

Good night!

17 OCT, WED, 11:24PM

Nothing much happened today.

I watched a movie alone today, The Seeker: Dark is Rising. The movie is very childish and I don't like the kid inside. It just gave me the feeling of a young Bryan of Westlife and in fact I don't like Bryan. The story is nice just that the kid (again) didn't act as good as others did. A solid 5 out of 10 from me.

And how are you doing today? I am still always thinking of you. I just hope I wouldn't make a false assumption that you actually like me ha ha.. I always did, the truth..

17 OCT, WED, 9:48AM

Today is Wednesday so it's movie day!

Later am going to watch The Seeker. Was being told that it's quite a childish movie but well, I still wanna watch it. Let's see what is it about.

And I am so damn hungry now.

Yesterday I made a new friend. Actually my impression is.. he is quite stupid and likes to showing off that type. Uh! lol I don't mean to be rude but he quite sucks.

And this is the note of this early morning.

16 OCT, TUE, 7:03

I thought, it would be like a lightning strike to me that I know who B falls for but, well seems like the impact wasn't as I feared. Apparently, I am deceiving myself all this time. Instead of saying that I was deceiving myself, I actually saw what I want to see and heard what I want to hear.. So, this is what people are talking about, when you fall for someone, you would create and take every assumption as realities. LOVE yea LOVE: What a dreadful thing to be endured.

Now that I have realised the naked truth and its at least 95% true, should I move on my life? To another level? Ah... I still don't think it would be as easy as it seems like.

Time, is what I need! Perhaps with the help of tickling of the clock, I would first release B, and then forget the feeling and finally accept B again, not as someone I like, but as a friend. Time yes its time I need.

Lord, will you give me a chance to prove myself that I am being true? So grant me the path and the torch. I might fall during this period but I will wake for sure.

Cheers, to myself.

16 OCT, TUE, 12:07AM

Another day.

Today(opps yesterday!) I feel like I have traveled for more than 200KM. It's so tiring. Driving here and there, stopping by here and there and waiting for people here and there. Imagine! How much time I have wasted. Anyway, if I didn't do this, I guess my routine would be as well.. wasting!

Anyway, yesterday there was something special happened. I am very looking forward for that incident. Could it be.. Ah well, it is so being anticipated. Lets see for another few days if anything happen ha..

I have gotten a very much impatient these days and I really don't like this. Please forgive mom if I ever did something that hurt you. I will change today morning. Sorry for you.. Really sorry.

And so then, good night.

14 OCT, SUN, 2:51PM

I am in the process of upgrading myself. I wish I could become a more stable-hearted person, a patient person, a more loving person towards anybody.

My current thought:
"Life is never about destiny but about wills and decisions"

14 OCT, SUN, 2:47PM

I read about 2 stories which are so meaningful. I will share it here but, they are in, well Chinese..

「葉子的離開，是因為風的追求，還是樹的不挽留。」

樹

會叫樹的原因，是因為我擅長畫水彩畫，最愛畫樹，久而久之，我的畫作右下方索性以一棵樹來代表我。

高中三年交過五個女朋友，有一個女孩子，我很愛她，卻遲遲不敢追，她沒有美麗的面孔，沒有姣好的身材，沒有撩人的魅力，一個再平凡不過的女孩子。我喜歡她，真的真的很喜歡她，喜歡她的單純，她的直率，她的可愛，她的智障，她的脆弱。

不追她的原因，也許是潛意識覺得平凡如她配不上我；也許是因為怕在一起後，一切的好感都會消失；也許是怕外人的指指點點傷害了她；也許是覺得，她會是我的，不用急著為了她而放棄一切。

最後這個原因，讓她陪了我三年，讓她看著我和別的女孩子廝混了三年，讓她心痛了三年。

她很想當一個好演員，但我卻像一個嚴苛的導演。我和第二個女朋友在廁所接吻，被她撞見，她尷尬的笑笑說：「Go on！」然後跑掉，第二天，她眼睛腫得跟核桃一樣，我故意不去猜想是誰讓她哭成這樣，嘲笑了她一天，她在所有人都回家後，在教室哭了起來，她不知道練球回 來拿東西的我，看了她一個多小時。我的第四個女朋友，一直很不喜歡她，有次她們兩個吵了起來，我知道依她的個性不會去惹事，但我還是護著女朋友，她被我吼 了一下後，愣住，眼淚滑了下來，我無視她的眼淚，陪女友走出教室，第二天，她依舊嘻嘻哈哈的和我開玩笑，我知道她很難過，但她不會知道我的心不比她好受。

當我和第五個女朋友分手時，我約她出去玩，玩了一天，我對她說：「我有事要對妳說。」她說：「真巧，我也有事要對你說。」「我和她分手了。」「我 和他在一起了。」我知道「他」是誰，他追她也有一陣子了，是個蠻可愛的男孩子，活潑有趣，充滿了熱情，追她追得滿城風雨。我不能表現自己的心痛，只能笑笑 地恭喜她，但當我回到家，心中的痛楚強烈得令我無法承受，像有個千斤重的石頭壓在我胸口，我無法呼吸，想大叫卻叫不出來，眼淚竟然滑了下來，我掩面大哭， 多少次，我也看著她為了那個不願承認的人掩面大哭。

畢業典禮時，我在手機上發現了一封簡訊，這是十天前，我掩面大哭時傳來的，只是我一直沒有去開過機。

「葉子的離開，是因為風的追求，還是樹的不挽留。」



葉子

高中時，喜歡蒐集葉子，why？因為我覺得，一片葉子要離開它長期依賴的樹，好勇敢哩！

高中三年，我和一個男孩子很好，不算男女朋友那種好，是好朋友那種好，但是，在他交第一個女朋友時，我學會了一種不該有的感覺，吃醋，心中的酸，不是一顆 檸檬可以比喻，那就像是100顆臭酸的檸檬，酸到不行，他們只在一起兩個月，當他們分手，我還得掩飾自己心中強烈的喜悅，但是一個月後，他和另一個女孩子 在一起。

我喜歡他，也知道他喜歡我，可是，他為什麼總是不追我呢？明明喜歡彼此，為什麼不行動？每當他交一個女朋友，我就心痛一次，一次又一次的打擊，讓我不禁懷 疑，是我一廂情願嗎？不愛我，為什麼要對我那麼好？他對我的好，已經不是普通朋友可以做到。喜歡一個人，好難過，我可以清楚的知道他的喜好，他的習慣，唯 獨他對我的感覺，我猜不透，難道要我這個女孩子去開口嗎？

儘管如此，我還是想在他身邊，關心他，陪他，愛他，也許算是一種等待的行為，等待他回來愛我，就像每天晚上等他的電話，等他的簡訊，我知道，就算他再忙， 也會撥出一些時間給我。這樣的等待，陪了我三年，等待是難熬的，是令人想放棄的，但等到的那一剎那，讓人第二天會繼續等下去。這樣的煎熬，這樣的痛苦，這 樣的幸福，這樣的矛盾，陪了我三年。

直到三年級下學期，高二一個學弟喜歡上我，每天的熱情追求，令我從一開始的拒絕，漸漸願意挪出我心房的一些位置給他。他像一陣溫柔而持久的風，撩撥我這片 搖搖欲墜的葉子，到最後，我發現我已經不想只留一點點的位置給這陣風，我知道這陣風，會帶我這片傷痕累累的葉子，到更幸福的地方。

於是我離開了樹，樹只是笑笑，沒有挽留。

「葉子的離開，是因為風的追求，還是樹的不挽留。」



風

因為我喜歡的女孩子叫葉子，因為她有一棵令她依戀的樹，所以我要當一陣風，一陣呵護她的風。

第一次看見她，是高二我轉來一個月後的事，個子小小的她坐在球場旁，一雙眼凝視著同和我在球場的學長，每天的社團時間，她總會坐在那裏，一個人，和朋友， 她的眼光依舊凝視著他，當他和女孩子打打鬧鬧，她的眼中有淚，當他看向她，她的眼中有笑。看她成了我的習慣，就像她愛看他。

有一天她沒來，我心中沒來由的焦慮與不安，我無法解釋那種感覺，除了不安，還是不安，而且那學長竟然也不在。我衝去他們教室，躲在外面，看著學長罵她，她的眼淚，他的離去。

第二天，她依舊坐在場邊，看著他，我走過去，對她笑一笑，拿了張紙條給她，她先是驚訝的看著我，然後笑笑地收下。

隔天，她拿著紙條出現在我面前，然後離開。

「葉子的心太沈重，風吹不動。」
「不是葉子的心太沈重，是葉子根本就不想離開樹。」

我回給她這段話後，她漸漸會和我說話，收我的禮物，接我的電話。

我知道她喜歡的不是我，但我還是有毅力一定要讓她喜歡上我，四個月內我告白了不下20次，每一次她都轉移話題，但我還是不會放棄，我決定要的人，我就一定會給它追過來！

一直到不知道第幾次的告白，出了口，雖然知道她一定會又說到別的事，但還是有一絲絲希望她的答應，沒想到她都不說話，「妳在幹嘛？怎麼不說話？」我對著話筒說。

「我在點頭。」
「啊？」我不敢相信自己的耳朵。
「我在點頭！」她大聲叫。

我甩掉電話，匆匆披上一件衣服，上了機車，衝去她們家按門鈴，當她開門的那一剎那，緊緊抱住她。

「葉子的離開，是因為風的追求，還是樹的不挽留。」

14 OCT, SUN, 12:48AM

Just now watched a movie, "Chuck and Larry", pirated DVD, but cinema quality. Well, it is really fast. The movie was nice but the story was a bit boring. I think I watched some other movie similar to this one. There is something I can take from this movie. I think it did benefit me.

A month to go before I could end my life of being a teacher. Happy for that, but at the meanwhile, worry for that. Cos it also means I am gonna find a new job- new environment, new people, new nature of job, new timetable and lot more. Can I adapt to it? I guess I can. But I am afraid that it might affect me too much.

Let's just believe for now that, everything happens for the best..

12 OCT, FRI, 3:38PM

Now that I realise, when I am feeling blue, I will have the urge to write more frequently in my blog. This blog is said to be a space of my daily feeling but what I really do is treating it as a place to utter me love feeling. I am really getting sick of this L-O-V-E thing!!!!! Stay out of me!!

*sigh*

I chat with a friend just now. He said that he hates future. Do you think you can understand why some people hate future? People like this do exist around us and I can assure you, A LOT! And I told him all of us, despite you like it or not, will have to pass it through. And I also told him that things would not be as complicated as they might seem. After giving these statements, I pondered back. Do I.. really know what I was talking about? Ha..

12 OCT, FRI, 1:21AM

I will forget about my love for you. I can definitely do so. I will find a new love, a love that is more possible than this one. Then later, only GOD knows how my destiny would be.

Thanks for all the time you have given.. it's sad but it's also a relief.

10 OCT, WED, 4:39PM

An empty street
An empty house
A hole inside my heart
I'm all alone the room are getting smaller
I wonder how
I wonder why
I wonder where they are
The days we had the songs we sang together oh no

And all my love
I holding on forever
Reaching for a love that seem so far

So I say a little prayer and hope my dreams will take me there
Where the skies are blue to see you once again my love
Over seas from coasts to coasts to find the place I love the most
Where the fields are green to see you once again My love

I try to read
I go to work
I'm laughing with my friends
But I can't stop to keep myself from thinking
I wonder how
I wonder why
I wonder where they are
The days we had the songs we sang together


I hope I can get over it soon, though, I am not really willing to loose the grip all this time.

9 OCT, TUE, 10:51PM

I thought I was invincible in certain area but in fact, I am not. I thought I was optimistic and in fact, I am a pessimist. I thought I could sing bravely on the stage when the time comes and in fact, I couldn't do as I hope it would be. I thought I could forget about B and eventually, it happens that I could never do so, because I am a baka.

There is only one conclusion for these statement: I do not understand myself well enough. I thought I am a brilliant man but in fact I am not. I thought I am a tough guy but in fact I could be easily thorned apart. I thought I have a strong heart.. (you guess the next sentence).

I am such a pessimist, an idiot, an insensible guy and a gig.. How could it be that, all bad points are on me fucking dammit!

I wanna sleep and let me forget all those unhappiness.

9 OCT, TUE, 12:18AM

Yesterday was quite a day. My mood had risen and I felt quite good. For some reason, I could get away from my trouble for some time. Ah..

The badminton just now was fun. Hope to play again soon. Good night!

7 OCT, SUN, 9:49PM

I am so damn sienz... A whole day of class and a whole day of grudge -.- What the heck your doing..

Ah.. lets just forget about you for once.

6 OCT, SAT, 3:36PM

终于作了这个决定
别人怎么说我不理 只要你也一样的肯定
我愿意天涯海角都随你去 我知道一切不容易
我的心一直温习说服自己 最怕你忽然说要放弃

爱真的需要勇气来面对流言蜚语
只要你一个眼神肯定 我的爱就有意义
我们都需要勇气去相信会在一起
人潮拥挤我能感觉你 藏在我手心里 你的真心

如果我的坚强任性会不小心伤害了你
你能不能温柔提醒
我虽然心太急 更害怕错过你


All of the sudden I realise this song is like talking about my story. Ah.. Maybe I am gonna be the one to give you up first.

5 OCT, FRI, 5:22PM

I feel so sorry for my family. My angers triggered without very good reasons and I feel so sorry for that. Lately I am so restless and depressed, so many things are undone and I am having hardship in myself. Perhaps this is another test *sigh*

I don't want so many "test" to come into my life as my life is full of challenges already!! God dammit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thursday please come faster. I don't wanna see the world again hai..

Yea, mentioning bout yesterday, I happened to go to cinema for Resident Evil Extinction. Well, it sucks, really..

Till then--!!

4 OCT, THU, 6:19PM

*sigh*

Tiring day, boring life, everything is a mess.
I am so restless yesterday and today, apparently the influence is so strong it actually bothering me whole day long. What am I going to do? Can anyone tell me?

Ah.. forget it Kang. Just forget everything. Find a place to fly to and then spend the rest of your life there. Life is full of hardships and decisions.. The current me couldn't agree this more.

2 OCT, TUE, 8:48PM

I am wondering, what do you mean by that..? It's bothering me because I thought it might mean.. well.. that.. umm.. you know.. that.. your dedicating the song to me.. I'd really like to think so but I am not sure.

I know you are having hard life of guessing and making decision, who doesn't? I am one of them too. I am the one with the most question-marks. I can hardly understand myself, do you have the same problem like I do? Life is always hard, everybody knows this but for me, I can understand the phrase deeper than any of you; there isn't any other reason than who I am.

I am waiting for a miracle to happen, would it be granted? That miracle is indeed a MIRACLE!