31 DEC, MON, 8:47AM

I think I have done a big mistake. Why am I feeling so hot-tempered lately. I feel so sorry for my mother and my sister BUT, can it be helped..? I am tired, sorry and regret for what I have said to them.

GOD, can you please mend the relationship for me? I am falling..

30 DEC, SUN, 7:57AM

Dud!!!! Why everything seems so hindered.. What would this day be I wonder ah...!!

And you mind so much as well. I guess I will have to do some compensation to you. OK.

29 DEC, SAT, 7:15PM

*sigh*

My sister is staying inside the washroom I can't even get a decent bath.. So here am I taking this few minutes to write something, talk about today.

Oh she is out! Ha.. I will continue perhaps later tonight.

*back*

Went to one of my guru's house to fix a computer problem(the printer wasn't not working). Hmm.. Not really a problem ha.. But I did have some fun there. I played the piano and it was fun heh..

Somehow I am feeling a bit drowsy and tiredness is striking me. Thinking back.. Yea I got it, I drove for the whole day.. Oh mind I even lingered about what happened today. And another thing is I got my auction winning today- a binocular oh yes! Ha.. Its not really a very good thing for its just RM33 lol you can't expect something good ah well..

And lastly about my feeling today. I didn't feel down today just tired. I guess I have already had a conclusion in me. I will search for what I am looking for still. What is that? Ha.. Its.. just something!! Clue: SS-liked

Good night!

27 DEC, THU, 12:00AM

Yes the clock strikes 00:00 ha.. Yahoo~

Just now went for badminton and it was fun and enjoying. Its good to have some exercise before going to sleep because you fall asleep faster. It's still hard for me to encounter certain things.. Well I have no idea what would happen next, just that, well I will pass it to GOD, while I do my best.

Talking about myself, I feel that I have grown recently. Many things had happened and they eventually gave me signs to live my life. Ha.. it just happened all of a sudden. Apparently people could grow so drastically!

Anyway, I still haven't ignored the fact that I hate my life BUT, at least I could make something out of it. My pathetic life should be able to be overcome, I guess.. And love, ha.. I started to know YOU more now and YOUR meaning. It doesn't really have to be a bi-directional feeling but sometimes, it is just great to be able to love people.. sometimes its funny.. sometimes it sweet and most of the time, it is _______.(I will look for this word ha..)

Good night.

p.s. I got the word..

..And love, ha.. I started to know YOU more now and YOUR meaning. It doesn't really have to be a bi-directional feeling but sometimes, it is just great to be able to love people.. sometimes its funny.. sometimes it sweet and most of the time, it is a BLESSING..

25 DEC, TUE, 11:52PM

"Sometimes it all still feels like a mass of dots.
But, more and more these days, I feel like we’re all connected..
And its beautiful, and funny, and good.."

"..I want you to know that, wherever we find ourselves in this world, whatever our successes or failures, come this time of year, you will always have a place at my table. And a place in my heart. "

I am so touched after watching the movie. Sometimes, I think movies are great.. because they give us the courage, for the same experience, narrated in them. I love movies.. that's why. Perhaps I can find my way? Who knows.. cos nobody will ever know..

Ha.. I love this movie:) It's so warm.

25 DEC, TUE, 10:48PM

Again Christmas day ha.. Well the post earlier was the beginning of the X'mas and now is the ending. A Chinese saying goes, 'if there is a beginning, there is an ending.'

Just got back from a local shopping mall. Nothing to be looked forward but I did meet with a family there. We had a small chat. One thing I am just curious, the son used to be close with me but now no more again.. I couldn't figure out why.

*sigh*

So many things troubling my mind. My mind is in a state of hurricane. I can't really catch a static thing inside. Everything just keeps on changing. I hate living on earth. I grab hold of nothing, NOTHING!

X'mas.. Its as expected, nothing I anticipated happened. That's all expected. How could that be! I am so greedy.. haha.

25 DEC, TUE, 1:07AM

YEA its Christmas!! I love X'mas ever since I was a little kid. I love the Christmas tree especially. Those glittering ornaments and the "snow" stained on it will just take me to another fantasy. Yea I am always living in fantasy ha.. but what can be helped?

Anyway I love X'mas! I adore Santa and I wish I could one day get a present from the real Santa. I am not asking for expensive thing, I just want warmth ha.. Warmth is all I want.

This year X'mas I am celebrating in Miri. But I don't see there is a chance for a meaningful and memorial X'mas. It doesn't matter.. As long as I have the heart for you then its fine, B. Take care and have a good night sleep.

...the angels sing..
...Christmas day

Jingle bell jingle bell..
oh whats fun..

23 DEC, SUN, 11:37AM

2 days to the X'mas day. I am lonely for the 24th year of X'mas. I wonder would I have my whole life being alone?

Everyday thinking of the same problem, thinking the same person, encountering the same situation, leading the same routine and.. having the same feeling. I can barely stand the feeling anymore.

Why couldn't I cry for once? Perhaps with a loud cry I could release the pain and heart-breaking sensation in me. I met with 2 friends yesterday when I went for the movie. One is a secondary's classmate Goh and the other is my Form 6 buddy Wong. I noticed, that the older I get, the more hypocritic I have become. I am not myself I used to be anymore. I have changed so much, due to life changes, the environment, the people and the experience. I thought I was a wise person, a person who has great wisdom BUT in fact! I am just an idiot.

I am being alone is the room. For how many nights I have dreamed to have a partner beside me. Don't think those dirties, its a life-time partner I am talking about. The older people get, the more afraid they will get. They will start to find for a partner (if not lover). I really hate to mention about "lover"!

It is ironic, but I need people to love.

22 DEC, SAT, 12:08AM

Its a very early morning. 12:08 in the morning. Its all silent outside except for some of the later-sleepers driving the car boastfully on the road. Its annoying to have them around.

Its drizzling now as well. The tickling of the rain hitting the zinc, and the droppings on the pail making a drum-like sound running out of tempo, and the sizzling of the leaves give a pleasure and relief sensation for the soul. Water in the drain could be heard to be flowing smoothly. Its a wonderful night. I love rainy night.

While in contrary, my thoughts are all jumbled up. I couldn't determine which is the truth and which is the false statement. Ah.. how come my life is so complicated. Why to me? Sometimes I really wanna ignore the existence of GOD but in the end, I am looking for HIM. Should I be granted a shorter and easier life, I am willing. Well, for goodness sake of course.

20 DEC, THU, 11:17PM

A day before the flood.

It is said to be a flood tomorrow. The sea level will rise above the normal level but yet nobody knows what actually it will be like tomorrow. I have having a feeling of anticipation.

Days ago I applied for the English teacher post in Japan. I was still considering whether to go but yea, I think I will go if I am offered. I have forgotten a very important point in my life. When I was doing facial just now it just stroke me all of a sudden.

Ah well, its not bad as well.

Life is really full of decision-making. A hour before I am thinking whether to mop the whole house, then later I thought whether to send the message and after that I was not sure if I want to do facial. From the moment we wake in the morning till our bedtime, we actually create more than 10000 of thoughts, big and small, serious or mere. And among this 10000, 90% are of negative. What I wanna tell is, normal people are like this, and sadly, I am among the 9000.

Too much to be anticipated then there will be more to be disappointed ha... Haha childish and naive guy.

I really would like to know what a person you are. It's just troubling me. Ah forget about it and have a good night sleep:(

19 DEC, WED, 9:28AM

I couldn't even remember how many times already that I am given false hope. Its not given but assumed by me. I am really a stupid and silly and naive person.

Typing unconsciously on the keyboard of my laptop, thinking and staring blindly to it. What can I do to overcome the problem..?

The weather is cold today. Though the air-cond is not put on but I am feeling the chill throughout my body. Perhaps this is the sensation of a hopeless, right now.

I talked to a friend about destiny. Then why couldn't I just take and overcome it since I can teach people? It's just cowardly behavior.


Myspace Chistmas Graphics

18 DEC, TUE, 6:39PM

I have been thinking of leaving my town for a very long time. For a moment, I realise I am a selfish and timid man. But what can I do?

There are things that are just not up to us to decide.

"unmei"

In fact, I am actually afraid to leave because I fear once I leave, I might not come back anymore.

For all those time you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
..

-Celine Dion-

16 DEC, SUN, 10:40PM

I really hope.. I could cry out loud. Or at least my tears would drop but its hard; as it is hard to endure things in life.

The more I read the more I feel helpless. Things are just not fair for me. Is there anyone to be complained? NO! Definitely no one.

People ask why do I always live in fantasy. Childish thinking. Naive. But do they know there is a solid reason behind it? While I still couldn't face the life how could I not fleeing from it. Its saddening to tell and now that my heart really hurts. Would anybody know about that? The ache is like a rock place on the chest. You can't utter the words, you can't sing it out, you can't tell anyone. YOU CAN JUST ENDURE by YOURSELF. Its definitely not a imaginable sensation.

My life.. Ha.. I can't even cry the tears just wouldn't come out. I am so tired.

I don't wish to fall but I have no choice.

14 DEC, FRI, 9:55AM

Its odd that I would write in the morning but since I am being left out at home, well lets start off what I am gonna talk about today.

Beautiful day it is. I can hear the twitting of the birds in my room. I am eventually get used to this phenomenon and totally forgotten about the days in Serdang during my studies there. Back to those days, there was nothing to be heard, nothing to be seen. No greeneries no blue sky and no dark sky during night as well. The difference makes you think differently.

I don't know what my life has turned out to be. I hope everything is fine. I am not a greedy man. I just hope for some wealth, healthy body and a moderate relationship. I guess that's not too much right?

12 DEC, WED, 10:50PM

I couldn't believe I was in Penang yesterday.

There are times when I'd feel the ticks of the clock are so slow while sometimes I just couldn't accept the fact that time sprints.

A duration of 3 months is like a round of roller coaster- The last time I saw my brother was 3 months ago. And also 2 and a half months is the period I got to know around 100++ of my pupils back in school. And yesterday I just parted my brother for another time. I miss him dearly actually. I think I might cry out if I keep on thinking about him. He, undoubtedly, is my most beloved one, the closest person in my life and irreplaceable.

B, I have thousands of sentence to tell you but I couldn't. Fate has its own role in every person's life. Mine is definitely not a blessed one. How about yours? I wish I am a bird.. I wish I could sleep forever everynight.

Nic, if your reading this I will let you know, I think of ending my life everyday like you do. Just that I consider more than you do as well. That's why I am still alive.

I am very sad to know that someday I might just leave everyone behind ha.. God Bless Me, if YOU are really out there.

Mom and dad and my sisters and brother, I love you more than any of you love towards each other. With this I shall have to strength to keep on standing on this stage, shake off the burden the feelings and pressure, head's up and continue to walk down this snarl road. I know it is.

11 DEC, TUE, 11:32PM

Just came back from Shirley's wedding in Penang. The flights number were AK6315 and AK5259.

But anyhow it was an interesting journey from KL to Miri! Since there was a turbulence during the journey, it made the journey not boring as I was so afraid but acted normal while reading Reader's Digest lol.

I know clearly that actually I have phobia towards air-travel. I dunno. The older I get the more things I am afraid of. Firstly crocroach, then big bugs, then air-travel, height, violence!! and some others. What have I become really.. Mine!!!

The wedding there was smooth and now I know how tired it is to wed. The pre-ceremony, midst-ceremony and post-ceremony. You have to entertain the wife's/husband's family, you have to serve the guests, you have lots of traditional procedures to follow. You have to get up early and stay up late. Ha.. It's funny that marriage is made so complicated these days.

And now I have returned. I should find a job to do soon. I need money I need to colour my life while I still can. I want to go travel like mad. I wanna go to Japan and Phuket (new destination just read from a mag about how wonderful the place is). Ha.. I need to love myself more because eventually I might be all alone. A friend told me that I have to treat myself the best. I am tired and restless and upset when thinking how would I become one day.

Forget about what's bad. Lets call it a day.

8 DEC, SAT, 3:37PM

I am departing for KL tonight and to Penang tomorrow morning. Its for my sister's wedding ceremony in Penang.

Lately I am being troubled by everybody about when to get married.. Is that a thing you all should concern about? I thought it's up to my business. I 'd rather not go to the Geomancy session. Now everybody keeps mentioning about "when to get a gf" "You need me to help you get a gf" etc and! etc...

I am too tired to think of this matter. And I think its still far for me to discuss about it. When time comes, it will come, though I don't think it'll come *sigh*

Just another SIEN day. What do I really want in life?? Why am I getting so pointless and lost!

6 DEC, THU, 10:24PM

I am being very foolish lol

OK I got the point right now. I hope I won't think the same way again.

GOD, please don't fool me again.

2 DEC, SUN, 11:54PM

Today is Shirley's wedding day. I am so happy for her.

Today on her wedding day, I was the MC, I was the singer, I was the photographer and I was the attendant. It was a tiring day but it worth to be.

Shirley, my big sis, do stay happy forever and ever.

1, DEC, 5:04PM

Ima no shiawase no kanji wa minna no shiawase no kanji desu ka? Onaji desu ka?

Saa..

Tonikaku, watashi ga ganbarimasu.