2012 Flash Back

This year had been a very special.

#1 Have finally caught in a relationship but only for 45 days, first time in life.

#2 Have many friends getting married, at least 10 of them.

#3 Have taken the most flights and hotel stays in life.

#4 Have dropped my iPhone 4 in taxi seat, and bought an iPhone 4S

#5 Have taken personal loan of a small but great fund

#6 Have quitted FMCG and joined O&G!

#7 Have traveled to Beijing China

#8 Have messed up the relationship with MOC

#9 Have had the first experience of getting a China lady accompany

#10 Have made 2 great friends of life, whom I respect so much, Alan and Alastair

Maybe more to come.. hahaa.... But it is always about item #1. Cheers.

31 DEC '12, MON, 8:49AM

昨天真的很高兴

一是因为，朋友的婚礼太让人感动了
而是因为，“3句话”，呵呵。

至少我了解了一点。

30 DEC '12, SUN, 1:19PM

感觉没有了自尊，可是，自尊有价值吗？

可是至少我希望你有一天会知道，没有信息不代表不爱你。

28 DEC '12, FRI, 2:21PM

执子之手，与子偕老。

写着写着朋友的婚礼司仪词，不禁的感伤起来了，也许是因为最近发生的点点滴滴。

心好沉重，可是我相信一切都是最好的安排。 

心好疼，可是还是要忍受。

28 DEC '12, FRI, 1:29AM

Still heartache with whatsapps..

I have to learn not to call you intimately, not to care for you too much, and start not to text you so frequent.

Because I think my messages can no longer bring you happiness, but only fuzziness.

And I guess it won't be suitable for me to call you for the time being... Should I move on with life without you..?

Sigh..

26 DEC '12, WED, 8:10PM

今天下起了嚎啕大雨，衬托了我的心情
我的心感到十分沉重，原来一直以来我所“以为”的，应该改都不是真的
感谢上天慈悲，给了我雨天好让我可以在雨中拭去面水。

25 DEC '12, TUE, 7:28PM

At 10:20pm on 24th December 2012, my 36 days of relationship ended.

I feel quite peaceful, and ready to accept, because I have expected the result. But one thing I am sure about human being is, they are unexplainable.

I will be strong, like I always be. Jia you Kang Kang. Rao~!! haha..

25 DEC '12, TUE, 7:19PM

D, sorry for making your life miserable.

I do love you, but everything is good for you I will just give it to you, as long as I can do it. And for now, I am freeing you okay.

I see that you are happier, and I am happier too.

But there is one request from me... if you no longer are giving me any chance in life, perhaps you should just forget about this blog k. This is my treasure chest, only be given access to people who can accept me in all..

I do still love you, but I don't want you to be in suffer again.. and have mixed feeling.

Haha.. "Rao~" I miss it. I love you my dear. Bye.

22 DEC '12, SAT, 2:02PM

D, I dunno whether you would read this.. I am sorry for making you think so much.. and given you insucurity..

Don't worry, after this incident i know how much am i loving you.. I am so heartache.. please get through with your feeling.. else..

22 DEC '12, SAT, 1:31PM

I'm so stupid haha.....

I don't know what to do myself, hey, do you read this?

What I can hope for is, you can get rid of that feeling. But I know it's not easy..

I am really really sorry, would you accept my apology?

I love you baby, and now for the second time when I am with you, I'm feeling heartache.

The first time was when I was down, you LC to me. That time it was really so demoralizing.. Though I know that you were joking, but I also suspect if that was your true self. I got over in few hours..

The second time is now, when I told you about my concern in long distance love, it messed you up, and it messed me up.. This is really my fault, really. I can't even smile now..

D, can we sort this out? I want to love you. I really do. I have been imagining about the future already- how we could end up in a place, our house, our room, and the sweet memories..

Do you know my problems now? I am actually a person who thinks too much, complicated! And secondly, I tend to utter what I think to other ppl, which makes people think like "a thousand pierces" in their heart. My sister told me this. But there is only one condition that I could do such thing to these people.. They will be people I love the most. Cos I want to be as honest as possible to them.

My sis Sonnie, when we were in quarrel once, she scolded me "你讲的话真的很有刺！"

Now I understand.. Though it is mild but its full of destructive power.. I'm wrong again D..

Do you want to know what are our "first's"?

You confessed to me, and I accepted. First time in life.

Talk on phone to a person almost every morning, noon and evening. First time in life.

I open up my eyes everyday, thinking of handphone and to drop you the first morning message if possible. First time in life.

We looked at each other in their eyes so dreamily, for the first time in my life.

I have somebody who uttered the real "I love you" to me, in my life. My first time in life.

We watched movie together, holding hands. First time in my life.

Someone do fetching for me, and I was holding his hand. First time in life.

Feeling such a heartache with your current situation, mixed feeling plus messed up mind. It's the first time in my life.

I'm sorry D. I do love you, really I'm. The heartache tells me so.. Please forgive me..

17 DEC '12, MON, 3:43PM

It is the 30th day of us to be together, and we have met once. We have yet to have any fight or quarrel yet, and day by day, our love towards each others grow (Well at least at my side).

I have become a little bit laid back, and only want to keep in touch with you, my family and few of my friends. In fact, I wish to share our stories with many people. I will let people know that I am in love in time, bit by bit but mildly. This is a commitment from me that, I am loving this person.

My first visit in life to you was on the 8th December, and I was on business trip to KK. And we have met for 3 days in a row. Eventhough I have spent a bit of money, but i find it worthwhile, at least, you are the person that I have been waiting in my whole life.

5 DEC '12, WED, 8:18PM

It is so heartache to  listen to your condition of life. What should I do? The only way is, I need to be rich.. very rich...

4 DEC '12, TUE, 6:42PM

Big thing has happened today... but it doesn't affect me much. Well, I don't really bother about others' businesses..

My boss is leaving the company, splitting up with his father in business. I was not really moved, but I feel a little bit sad. He was the one who hired me into the company, teaching me this and that. And now he is about to leave, what would happen to me? I think I am gonna be very lonely... haha..

After coming back, I did the laundry, hanging washed clothes (since morning). I vacuumed the floor of my room and partial of living room. Then I prepared for dinner, while at the same time, I made call to you.

I just love the way you answer my call, very funny.. and I am never bored listening to the first word from you. It is really nice..

Hey, we are about to meet in another 2 days, are you anticipating for that?

To be frank, I am. I have been thinking these days, how would I react when I first see you later. Would I be very shy? Or would I treat you like a long-lost friend? Or just normal?

And, would you like my look from close distance? Would you mind if I am not having good looking face? Or would you mind if I have a little bad breath?

Haha.. I am anticipating for all of this. I don't care how would it turn out to be. Maybe after the meeting, you won't be getting in touch with me, but right here and right now I want to say: You are someone who has gotten all my attentions these days.

I wish we can last together, and I wish to take care of you, give you "xing fu", until your last day.. Though it sounds a bit sad, but I don't want you to have any regrets in life.

That's me, bao bei

2 DEC '12, MON, 1:34AM

I think I should start to make entries for my life on today onwards again: )

Little would I know, this would be the year that I finally got myself a lover.. Little did I know that you would be from such a far place from me. Little would I even believe that you could be a chinese..

Haha.. to be frank, all of the persons whom I have fallen in love with, are mostly non-chinese..

18th November 2012, this day was the most memorable day for my buddy, and it could also be the most memorable day for me for my wholelife ^^

Dear, sorry to tell you that at this point of time, I really am not feeling as strong feeling as you might be feeling right now.. Sorry for that. It doesn't mean that I do not love you, but it is hard for me to love someone who is so far away, yet I have never met.

We will know when we meet one day, and I will surely know whether that is the feeling which I have been seeking for.

I do not have much confidence in love because what I have seen are either "thirst for sex" case or "vulnerable love" with 3rd party presence in no time. Please forgive me, I have fallen in love hard for twice - The first one was a classmate whom I have known for 12 years now, and I can say that I have totally gotten rid of him in my life (well we are real friends now). The second is a malay, whom I have been treating him so dearly. This person is the one who has created the insecurity and lack-of-confidence in LOVE.

All these years, I have fallen to many people, no lesser than 30 i think, but I have never been with any of them. LOVE for me, is so distant away, I am very afraid of the commitment which I have to put in LOVE relationship (from what I have seen around me). I love my family very much since then, and my urge for LOVE become lesser and lesser, to a minimal level.

Then... you appeared.

You are very sweet with words, but to be frank, up till now, I am still suspecting your love feeling which you have conveyed to me through written words and verbal conversation. I can't feel much, but I am trying hard to get the clues of what love is all about.

One day, you will see this thread, MAYBE. Which is why today, I want to write down what I am feeling towards you here. Nobody knows the presence of this blog, or even if they do, they do not know it belongs to me. My life is all here, when you read them, you will know what a person I am, mostly, if not all.

Dear, I want to love you, but do give me some time. I believe I will be able to find out the answer very soon. I just hope that I will be able to love a person whom I think "you" love me so much. Do you, at this point of time?

And it is almost 1:47am already, and I want to sleep. I will continue writing more in this blog to let you know my feeling with you.

Last things, there are simply too many secrets I am holding with me right now, which I am not telling anyone on this earth at all. Some know a little, but nobody knows all. If you are the trusted one, you might know all. I am sorry dear for letting you feeling a bit of heartache. But this is me. I am a complicated person, though I might not seem to be one from outside.

Good night and love you.

8 AUG '12, WED, 10:19PM

Last month I got to know you, a new friend, Salmon.

Salmon. Yea, I do like you, a lot. It is another special feeling. You have a nice smile, good heart, and humorous personalities. I wish to be your friend, or more, forever...

Sigh, but you are contacting me lesser and lesser.. why?

10 JUL '12, TUE, 8:34AM

Today my mood sucks.. Everyone just seems not right.

D (WP) is hinting he has no money for his phone.
R (Btu) is saying he wants iPhone from anyone.
S (Cebu) is not replying my message after the courteous meeting. I just wanna be friend.
L (Cebu) is very pissing.
M (Cebu) is very pissing too.
T (My) is in bad mood, I do not dare to mess with him.
J (Cebu) is very very pissing!
S (Btu) is unpredictable. I dunno about this.
Only one person is good to me, M (Btu).

Am I befriending with too many people at one time? I just want to be friends and find the possibilities..

5 JUL '12, THU, 5:56PM

After discovering your picture, first I was excited (for few minutes). Later and forever, it will be sadness.

The more I think of it, the more I feel I am being cheated. Why do I need you in my life?

Do you know why I sacrifice so much for you? Because I love you. And I hope I would use "Loved" in the future.

Then what do you think you have contributed in this relationship? What? Try and list down for me. I need a good reason to forgive and forget.

I am just, sad and disappointed. Again and again.

4 JUL '12, WED, 9:51AM

It has been a while since I joined this company, and this month I have started to do prospecting.

I have a problem - I don't like people to hear me talking on phone. Haha.. How am I going to change that? The reason is because I don't  like my personalities to be known by people around me.

It is just a headache thing sigh. What to do?

SAT, 30 JUN '12, 11:39PM

If I am not a tough-minded person, I think I would really suffer a lot. My suffering at current period is due to "Those people that I like do not like me".

I keep thinking and finding ways on how to attract them to fall into me. Yes I admit, I am not faithful for loving several persons at the same time, but I will only love one person if one day I am coupled.

Ah... I dunno. I dunno how my love life would be. Maybe I just suit to be a lone ranger. Maybe I should try and earn more, people nowadays are more realistic.

18TH JUNE '12, MON, 9:26AM

Z，会是你吗？
我最近很开心，因为有你哦

15TH JUNE '12, FRI, 8:00PM

Today you gave me so many "muah", and obviously, you need my help. Do you know "muah" at this period of time means nothing to me? It's disgusting, and humiliating. I didn't remember you have given me any muah before today? Ha.. Isn't that funny??????

15TH JUNE '12, THU, 12:34AM

D, how will you think as you have realized that I'm not that willing to help you this time? Do you understand why did I say like that to you? Ever thought of? I am very imbalance to know that, when you don't have money then you come and look for me. Then what about those nights when you were with him and before you went to sleep? Did u think of me? Telling me two of you have nothing are unbelievable, do you know? I know exactly why can't you text me. So if your willing to spend so many days with your friend, it is called intimate friend. I am so curious why you didn't want to ask for his help first before coming to me? Since you prioritized him first, right? Make sense? That's what I'm always saying and asking, what Do you treat me as? Brother? Friend? Or just "you know". What am I to you when I didn't want to help you for the first time. The first time, and you turn your back at me. Do you even know how it feels? Ha.. I'm just being used maybe, and terribly. I will take this as a very precious experience and expensive lesson.

13TH JUNE '12, WED, 9:26AM

D, my guess is you will be staying at your friend's house even the last night (14th June) you are in Labuan. This is my guess, and it means something also.

I am ready to let you off my grab, and you are free to go. I will still be your brother, but you are no longer my liability.

12TH JUNE '12, TUE, 10:21AM

D, who am I to you?

Why does it seem to me that you will only contact me when you have the need to get something from me, while tend to forget my presence when you are in happiness.

You told me you don't have credit to reply me. But hey, then how are you going to contact your friend today? One thing I can guess is, you are saving up the credit to text your friend, is that it?

Last night i text you on FB, but you didn't even reply a word though you have already read the messages (from the FB I know you have read it). Is it because you know you won't be getting any reload from me even if you reply?

Sad, disappointed and moodless.

6TH JUNE '12, WED, 9:01AM

Why didn't you reply my messages D? I am curious and sad.

It is definitely not because you do not have credit, or you are in an accident, so why? Too busy engaging yourself in something?

I am very sad and feeling so uncomfortable..

TUE, 5 JUNE '12, 6:56PM

D, I am very tired already.. I don't know what I am hoping for.. I have spent my time, money and attention on you too much, and I cannot see anything.

Can you please quickly find a BF and just leave me?

You are a person who is full with lies, even if you are not, I already have very little trust on you.. Whenever you are in trouble, you will think of me first, approach me and reply me very prompt. Whenever you are not in trouble, you would respond me late, with simple replies..

When you said, "muah or love you" it is always to do with money.

Please tell me, how am I going to believe you that you are treating me as a brother? Brotherhood is both way, I am tired with one-way contribution.

Not to mention, I am loving you.. Sad..:(

Today is the first day of my new job in Oil and Gas Vendor company. I had a heavy feeling because of you. I dunno if what I am doing is right?

Let's just ask yourself this. When you are bored, you look for people for fun. When you are poor, you look for me for money. This is so unfair.

To be frank, I have had more than 5 friends whom are not my race, all of you have the same nature.. sorry to say.

5TH MAR '12, MON, 6:46AM

T, please spare me.. Don't send msg of those kinds to me. I'd rather not getting any replies from you.

2ND MAR '12, FRI, 11:07PM

I really do love you.

I swear.

But I am always suffering from anxieties.. Are those just my over-thinking? My instinct has never been too far away from the truth.

What happened?

T, you are really driving me crazy.

20 FEB '12, MON, 10:38PM

Missy has been sick for the 2nd week.

The virus -- Canine Disember Virus. Deadly and excruciatingly suffering.

Missy, born on the 3rd June 2011. Venue of born is the backyard of the house. She used to be a cute little puppy, so adorable to be true. Short mouth, furry and naughty.

I still couldn't imagine that she is going to leave the world so soon, this life, as a dog.

She will be my family member forever. I love her like my children. It is hard to say this, and it is neither pleasant to the ears of others.

God. If she is going to a better place, grant her a peaceful sleep. You know that she has fulfilled a life of dog. Perhaps in her next life, let her become a human, and a girl. Be nurtured in a good family, and get to know YOU more.

Bless you Missy. And I love you. Forever.

20 FEB '12, MON, 12:33AM

今天才上来写关于你的事情，其实已经发生了很久了呢

这也全拜GR所赐，让我认识了你

那天是在2月3日。我看见了你的眼睛，就已经被深深吸引住了，因为你的眼睛太像一个我喜爱的歌星的眼睛了哈

那天跟你好不容易搭上线。可是你可怕的性格真的令我很害怕，令我好几次想就把你删除忘记。好彩有上天的慈悲，发生的一切都能一一瓦解。

情人节来临的时候，就想了，一辈子都不曾送过人家情人节礼物，然后对你有很有感觉，接着又是因为想跟你来个了断（闹翻了），所以买了巧克力，买了卡片。为的是，不要给自己留个遗憾。

我写了卡片，没有放入姓名。来都你家门口，趁着没有人的时候，赶紧挂在你家铁门上。真的送了一口气！因为总算心愿了了。之后在喝闷酒的时候接到了你的信息，讲真的，非常高兴。

T,我很感谢你的出现。虽然我们到现在都没有在一起，可是如果有你这么一个朋友，我还是会感到很欣慰开心。

我很感谢你不会在意我的普通样子，接受了我的短处，把我当成一个你每天都可以交谈的对象。

以后的事情谁也不会知道，可是我相信，只要我用心去经营这段友情，一定会有收获的。

10 JAN '12, TUE, 11:37PM

Life has been going on for the 29th year. And here I am standing tall and healthily working as a man.

But no descendant possibility.

This year mark the prophecy of 2012 - the end of world. How true, we won't know until the very day.

2012 will be an interesting year for me. To find out more who I am, and also to find out more who these people are.

Enough craps. Have drunk a small mug of red wine and I am feeling really sleepy.. Hurm! It will be a very good night sleep.

Adios all!

WED. 4 JAN '12, 12:09AM

Just came back from Kuching, and after several conversations with you, I am feeling so hurt, even until now.

What do I actually look for? And what do you actually look for in me?

It is a sin to love somebody, when that somebody is actually using you, isn't it?

Which... I have no idea..

But... at this point of time.. I am willing to be used..