21ST OCT 13, MON, 11:17PM

Almost accepting the fact that I would have little chance with you, but I am still remaining a string. Because I love you still.

While for you Kin, it was great to be with you. And I hope you can change my life, and my painful corpse.

Choosing between the several, I wonder how things will turn out to be. I do believe that one man can love several persons at the same time, because of different qualities. But I also believe, only one will last with me forever, and eternally.

14TH OCT '13, MON, 11:04AM

It has been a couple of days (maybe a week of time) since I last texted you normally.

The grinding feeling in my heart has yet to be faded away.

After disabling the "Last Seen Time" in Whatsapps (which I did because of you), it eased me a little but..... This morning, when I in the first time saw you "Online", my heart again pounded hard.

Ahhh.. when will this feeling going to end.

I miss you, and yet I wish to give up on you; I want to cry, yet I am suffering in dry-eyes.

Come to think of it again, What I did these few months are mostly for your sake, because of you.. I started to take numerous supplements (of more than RM1500 in 4 months) and I started to do facial, I started to update my blog (and all are about you), I started to take more cigarettes, I started to drink more heavily, I started to act strange and tend to be more lonely, I used LINE and quitted it because of you, I disabled my Whatsapps "Last Seen Time".. I have spent RM900 for my dental problem because I am concern about my bad breath, I played Instagram more occasionally.. I started to listen to "A thousand years" repeatedly.. I also started to appreciate "Broken Wings" meaning.. I looked into our friend list, I tried and learn what you were doing (which really kill me many times).. Too much and too many to mention.

Why have I become like this.. And the reason is just because of wishing to have you..

Lord.. spare me in any way it deems right!!

11TH OCT '13, FRI, 2:30PM

TGIF - Thank God It's Friday

Friday used to be a day I like the most. But nowadays it has somehow a day that I start to feel uneasy with.

Subsequent to Friday will be Saturday and Sunday. Two school holidays can meet a lot of people by you..

*Heartache...*

I have no idea since when, I have only been talking about you in my blog. No more other things pop in my mind for this only space of mine. Perhaps, this blog serves as a vault for the thing that I concern the most in my life/day.

Ah yes, you are the reason for my agony for these past months.

The Albino in Da Vinci Code says, "Pain is good.."

Well, I still don't enjoy it.. maybe yet to understand how to savour this special feeling.

Ah.. Pain is excruciating..

10TH OCT '13, THU, 12:45PM

I have stopped to contact you for the second days. And I really miss you, and those moments we were chatting happily, and when we had video call.

I don't know if I am ready to let you go Nordin.

Do you know why do I stop to be in contact with you?

.. For me, I feel like I am not appreciated.. The way you chatted with me was too basic? Should I use the word?

I feel like you find my presence a nuisance and unnecessary at times. And when you almost never initiate to greet me or chat with me, made me even more firm with my assumption.

May be my presence in your life, in the first place, is already a mistake. May be I should not have treated you as a bro from the first time we chat, resulting I am having too much of feeling to a "bro".

You never call me dear bro any longer, nor "muah" or "love you".. which you used to. Our distance has drawn so far, and you couldn't even notice that.

Nordin, you are a fantasy in my life. Maybe you are just a dream, and I wish I have never met you.

This morning I dreamed of you. In my dream you were a hotel attendant, in a nowhere place. I was the guest, and we met, we laughed and we were so closed. I was happy, until the moment I realised I was on my bed.

I really did not feel like waking up anymore..

7TH OCT '13, TUE, 3:22PM

I am getting too tired.

If there is a slight chance, even if it is so slim that only I can see it, I would wait. But somehow it seems like, the chance is almost all gone.

You are no longer interested to chat with me, you reply me shortly and swiftly, and you have time to chat with other "unknown-to-me" for days.

My heart is all the time in pain..

Nordin, do you know, when you are telling people how humane you are, do you know I am also a human?

2ND OCT '13, WED, 11:29AM

Actually it is quite hurtful, to know that you and him are still a pair of couple.

It is good, pain is good. Pain lets me be mature.

1ST OCT '13, TUE, 8:55AM

期望太高，失望越大

我觉得我已经太过沉醉与跟你的交谈。因为喜欢你，你的话语都非常的有吸引力，牵着我的心。

可是我忘记了几件非常重要的事情，所以我要重新提醒自己。你，只把我当作哥哥。你有了男朋友，你还非常爱他。你，不会喜欢我。

看了你的Whatsapps状态，我希望我的心可以更痛，我才可以不再次坠入情网。

 I've never been so scared of losing someone in my life, then again nothing in my life has ever meant as much to me as you do...

 --Written 18 Days ago--